


And they'll tell you I (don't) care

by Asimi_Shadowborn



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Platonic or romantic boakakuroken open to interpretation, Tsukishima Kei being his salty self, Weekly Updates, Wintertime in their first year of Karasuno, background AsaNoya - Freeform, background kagehina - Freeform, i only write happy endings, just the right amount of miscommunication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:07:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 31,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23127538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asimi_Shadowborn/pseuds/Asimi_Shadowborn
Summary: 'He’s shocked that Asahi has decided to speak out about something that’s so decidedlynothis business, even more so because of the level of emotion he has shown during his little monologue. It’s still bullshit, though. Yamaguchi knows him through and through. HeknowsKei. He understands what Tsukishima means, even if he doesn’t say all of it out loud.“Yamaguchi knows how to interpret what I think. He gets what I mean, when I say things. He doesn’t need me to coddle him.”'Tsukishima Kei isn't excited in the slightest by the idea of visiting the Mizuki tree. The whole idea of sending your crush a dream 'by magic' ishorseshit,if you ask him. The thing is - some of his friends disagree. And that doesn't bother him... Until it does.(fanart/commissioned art gets linked in the notes of the corresponding chapters! :D 💛)
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 136
Kudos: 233





	1. Don’t you fall asleep, don’t you fall

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Falka_tyan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Falka_tyan/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _'“Are you scared, Tsukki~?” Yamaguchi is facing upwards, staring at the dark grey underbellies of the clouds from which the occasional snowflake drifts down every now and then. “Are you afraid of falling? ’don’t trust me to catch you?”_
> 
> _He grins at the sky, like the idea of Tsukishima Kei being afraid of_ anything at all _is laughable.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey hey!
> 
> A special thanks goes out to my wonderful beta [AnneLilian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnneLilian/pseuds/AnneLilian)! Thank you once again for all the work you put into rereading this and for helping me achieve this dream of sharing my fics with the Haikyuu!! fandom! 
> 
> A usual ‘thanks’ goes to Sil-chan, who’s the other half of my writer’s brain and who inspires me to work harder and reach farther every time I work on something new.
> 
> I also want to thank my dearest [Falka-san](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Falka_tyan/pseuds/Falka_tyan)! This is the most angsty of my works, subject-wise. I still doubt it will be dark enough for your soul - but I still want to gift this to you because I want to thank you for all that you've given me through out our years of friendship. I hope that there may be many more to come! (PS: you've inspired a very specific moment/phrasing in one of my later chapters - please let me know when you find it :v Pps: You've also inspired me music-wise for this fic, but I think you'll see that song and realize it at once ;))
> 
> * * * 
> 
> As mentioned before this fic will be more angsty than usual. It isn't really my style, I think, so I've used a lot of humor to 'even things out'. It seems like I just can't help myself, but it's been a really good learning experience. I chose to start posting on friday the 13th to add a little to the drama :v
> 
> I’m afraid that the length of the chapters fluctuates (a lot) this time, folks. I chose to cut them at specific moments instead of a certain amount of words. In case you want an estimation, the total fic is about 32k. As always, my updates will be weekly. 
> 
> As a last note I want to say that I've been as inspired by music as always. The title of this fic and the whole first chapter were inspired by [’Crossing a line’ by Mike Shinoda](https://youtu.be/I2sRc3j7IU0). His music has made up most of the songs I used to write this - I will link all songs and their creators every time.
> 
> **_"And it's keeping me up at night  
>  Worried it's not alright  
>  Holding back things you don't know  
>  And it's keeping me up at night  
>  Worried it's not alright  
>  You're not gonna like where this goes (no)"_ **

_‘It’s too cold for this shit.’_

It is the only thought reverberating in Tsukishima Kei’s mind as he waits for Yamaguchi to exit the clubroom after practice.

Kei likes routine. He likes the way Yamaguchi and he always walk home together – Yamaguchi talking his ear off while Tsukishima listens and mostly nods, shoving his headphones over his ears the second they split ways to continue the rest of the walk alone. This night will be different though, since they’re supposed to take a walk back to school, after dinner. He doesn’t really mind the fact that they’ll be making the same trip twice within the hour. The walks themselves are fine. Nice, even. Or at least the last part of the walk is. It’s just him and Yamaguchi, just like it’s always been. It’s also the only time in the day when he won’t be bothered by stupid people with stupid questions or a stupid amount of energy.

Speaking of _stupid_ energy… “Thanks for the wait, Yama!”

Hinata’s shrill voice grates on his ears and Tsukishima scowls, already more than done with whatever’s going to happen next. He had enough of Hinata’s brainlessness during practice, thank you very much.

Yamaguchi seems to have no such objections, smiling as he holds open the door for Hinata and Kageyama so they can follow him outside. The freak duo has been joining the beginning of their walk more often these last couple of weeks. It’s a different kind of annoying than their antics during practice. It’s hard to explain, so he doesn’t try to analyse his annoyance, merely scowling as the three boys catch up with him where he stands near the staircase, ready to leave.

As per usual, it takes Hinata only 0.2 seconds before he starts yapping about one thing or another. Luckily, Tsukishima’s able to tune out most of it as they walk down the stairs.

“Hey!” They look back to where Tanaka’s dangerously leaning over the balustrade, held back by an exasperated Ennoshita who’s trying to pull him back upright by his shoulders. “Don’t be late! We’ll leave without you!”

Yamaguchi raises his hand to show that they heard him, while Hinata screeches back reassurances.

“So, so!? What do you think, huh, Yama? Yachi-san says she already knows what she’ll wish for, but-” Yamaguchi shrugs, smiling self-consciously. “I don’t really know, there’s a lot of things to wish for, so-”

Hinata doesn’t let him finish, already ranting on about his plans to wish for _even better_ volleyball skills, so he’ll ‘finally be able to beat Kageyama’s ass’. The setter in question just walks next to them in silence, a constipated look on his face. _‘He’s probably planning on wishing for a giant container of milk, or something,’_ Tsukishima thinks, and he has to force himself to keep in the snort he almost let out. They’re nearing the fork in the road where Hinata and Kageyama will start their predictable race off – focussed on nothing but their idiotic competition to run as fast as possible in the direction of their homes. Kei huffs, hiding part of his face in his scarf. ‘ _Only three more minutes…’_

“Or you could wish for something like me, and get even better at serving? Or for someone else? You could even wish something-”, Hinata lowers his voice as he talks – trying to sound impressive and failing miserably, “with a girl or something, that’s what Noya-senpai told me.”

Tsukishima frown returns, even deeper this time. _‘God, does he_ ever _stop talking?’_ He wrinkles his nose when a snowflake drifts down and melts on his skin.

“Euh- I don’t know if-”

“You can only wish for one thing, so ya’d better make it count, yeah? Haaaaah- You’re super red! Are you really going to wish for a girl, Yama?”

“Maybe I will wish for you to shut up from now on”, Tsukishima mutters icily – his chagrin clear in his voice. _Of course_ the moment he utters this must be the _one_ second Hinata holds his tongue. He’s unapologetic though, ignoring the prickly feeling of receiving Yamaguchi’s frown in the back of his neck as Hinata's screeching gets even louder in his indignation. “Haaaah?! Stingyshima! Maybe you should wish for him to be less stingy, Yama-kun!”

Tsukishima turns to sneer down at him. _One more minute_ until he’d be graced by blissful silence. Well, blissful silence and Yamaguchi – but that last one has never bothered him before. At least the next 15 minutes of their walk will be exactly how it’s supposed to be.

“He’d be better off wishing for you to grow more brain cells, maybe then you’ll be able to join us in Tokyo without having to redo exams.” Kageyama is scowling now too, though Tsukishima can’t say if it’s because he’s insulting the King’s Queen, or because he had to retake exams himself.

Hinata’s face is burning as red as his hair. “Why are you always such a _jerk?!_ Everyone’s getting along fine, except for you! You can’t even use our names!” That last note makes Tsukishima’s sneer fade – his expression turning to confusion against his will. “What?”

“Names!” Hinata shouts, like it’s some sort of universal code he can’t believe Tsukishima has forgotten. He points at himself almost aggressively, shouting “Shou!” before turning his arm to point at Yamaguchi so quickly that he almost hits the pinch server in the face. “Yama!”

“Kags!” Kageyama merely blinks, his eyes focussed on the fingertip hovering only millimetres from the tip of his nose.

“And _you!_ ” Hinata swishes his arm at him like it’s a sword. “You always get mad when we-”

“Shut up.” Tsukishima’s voice is colder than the layer of ice covering the ground around them.

But Hinata is nothing short of stubborn, balling his hands as he goes on: “You never use any of our nicknames, and that’s what friends-!”

“One would think you’d figure out the underlying message then.” Their voices pick up speed, righteous anger alternating with frigid jeering faster and faster.

“You’re just scared of becoming friends! That’s what I heard Suga say to Daichi last week! And _I_ think you’re-”

Really, Hinata should’ve stopped there, but he’s too pumped up to notice the way Tsukishima blanches – his normally composed expression filled with more fury than he’d ever let show in front of them before. He snaps when Hinata starts bleating about nicknames again.

“ _Shut up_ about your fucking names! I’m neither childish nor stupid enough to use idiotic pet names like a 4-year-old! It’s not because you don’t have any brain activity on most days that I can’t have better taste than that.”

Kageyama steps forward now too – hovering menacingly above Hinata’s left shoulder as he scowls at Tsukishima.

Kei is so fucking done. He turns to Yamaguchi – ready to fuck off and leave these idiots behind. But he freezes as he catches the look on Yamaguchi’s face. In all the years Tsukishima has known him, he’s never looked quite like this… Like Tsukishima’s betrayed him somehow - his features an unsettling mix of hurt, confusion and sadness.

Tsukishima’s brain goes in overdrive – thinking back to his last statements to figure out why his childhood friend looks like he just got punched in the face without warning. It doesn’t take long to figure out his mistake. A weird wave of cold dread infused with white-hot awkwardness flows through his veins – causing his chest to burn while his hands are freezing. He doesn’t know what to do next. Contrary to popular opinion, Tsukishima _has_ apologised for saying stupid shit before, even though it has always been a rare occurrence. Right now though, it feels like his face has frozen over and his body has locked down – forcing him to stare silently at Yamaguchi while waiting for him to say something. He’s not above apologizing, and maybe he should. But he doesn’t have a single clue on how to apologise for saying something like _that,_ especially in front of the freak duo. He might feel shame now – but he won’t take back his words in front of them. He’ll just… maybe he should just do it later.

Yeah, that’s probably the best idea anyway. Yamaguchi will understand.

He turns away, completely ignoring Hinata, who still stands here fuming – Kageyama’s hand now on his shoulder. It’s unclear if the setter is holding him back or lending him some silent support.

He just wants to go. Go and leave this frigid awkwardness behind.

“Let’s go, Yamaguchi.”

“Yes, Tsu-. Yes.”

Tsukishima cringes, his face mercifully turned away from the other first years, as he waits for Yamaguchi to catch up with them. He doesn’t turn around, even though he feels more than sees Yamaguchi turn back to wave at the freak duo before following him meekly.

In the end, they don’t talk about their earlier confrontation until after dinner. Tsukishima has handled the awkwardness like he would most unwanted matters in life – by refusing to acknowledge it at all. He still hasn’t come up with something to say about it anyway, so any comments he might make right now would be void of real meaning.

The relief he felt when he went to pick up Yamaguchi and was greeted with a “Hi Tsukki,” was stifling. He had still paid close attention to Yamaguchi for a while afterwards, but the pinch server looked and acted just like he usually did. Maybe it would be for the best not to bring up that stupid conversation again. What was he was he even supposed to say? ‘Sorry that I shit on nicknames and called them brainless while you probably haven’t pronounced my full name even once in your life?’

No, that didn’t sound like the best response. So he just leaves it be. Their relationship has been such that they could grow past stuff without having to discuss every little thing.

He uses this newfound neutrality by leading the conversation for a change, instead of merely listening to Yamaguchi’s thoughts on daily occurrences. The current topic of choice is his distaste for the trust exercises Ukai wants them to participate in. Yamaguchi simply laughs at his grumbling, unbothered by the stream of complaints.

“What’s the big problem, then? It’s a trust exercise, but it’s not like Ukai or Daichi would pair you with Hinata anyway – you’d squash him if you fell backwards. I think they’ll do most exercises in groups anyway. And we can do the exceptions together.”

Tsukishima’s frown lessens, but doesn’t disappear. “It’s still stupid.”

“Are you scared, Tsukki~?” Yamaguchi is facing upwards, staring at the dark grey underbellies of the clouds from which the occasional snowflake drifts down every now and then. “Are you afraid of falling? ’don’t trust me to catch you?”

He grins at the sky, like the idea of Tsukishima Kei being afraid of _anything_ _at all_ is laughable.

Tsukishima’s frown deepens again, indignant. “Obviously, I do.”

He said it because it was the truth, but the way Yamaguchi lights up at his words is a welcome response regardless. It melts the last pieces of lingering awkwardness that had clung to them like an invisible blanket, ever since his shouting match with Hinata.

They fall back into silence for a while – comfortable enough by simply walking together. They’re nearing the statue where they’re supposed to meet up with the other team members when Yamaguchi surprises him by suddenly asking: “So what did you _honestly_ think?”

“About what he said?” Tadashi continuous, like it clarifies something.

Tsukishima peers at him from the corner of his eyes – his main focus still on the icy sidewalk. The temples of his glasses block his view of Yamaguchi’s eyes, making his rosy cheeks stand out even more. He’s always been sensitive to the cold. Tsukishima clicks his tongue. What’s the point of wearing a scarf if your face still freezes off anyway?

It’s only when Yamaguchi turns to stare at him that he realizes he was supposed to say something, the pinch server evidently convinced that he had posed a clear question.

“What do I think about what, exactly?”

“About…” Yamaguchi blows out a long huff or air; little clouds of misty breath moving upwards in the chilled air as he thinks. Tsukishima feels the corners of his mouth twitch. Yamaguchi is so much more dramatic than people give him credit for. He’s much more in general, really.

“About… what Hinata said.” He ends the sentence abruptly.

An uncomfortable swoop of surprise slithers through Kei’s stomach, curling into a tight knot that weighs him down. _‘He’s still thinking about that?’_ It only lasts for a second, his dismissive attitude taking over on autopilot.

“Nothing really? His insults bored me to death. Quite uninspired.”

Yamaguchi opens his mouth to reply, before closing it again – a pensive look on his face. In the end he decides not to comment and Tsukishima shrugs to himself as the statue they’re walking towards looms larger and larger the further they walk. They can now hear the rest of their teammates too; a combination of frantic thrill and impatience. Tanaka’s boisterous laughter is joined by Yachi nervous giggling as they tease a red-faced Kageyama – the excited muttering of the others forming an unusual choir of background vocals to their teasing.

Tsukishima decidedly _does not_ want to get mixed into whatever _they’re_ going on about, but a hand lands on his shoulder before he can move too far away.

“Great! Now that you two have arrived, we can move to the main entrance.” Suga smiles at him sweetly, but doesn’t let go as he suddenly bellows: “LET’S GO, PEOPLE!”, half-deafening Tsukishima in the process.

His shoulder gets squeezed once before Suga lets him go, turning to Daichi instead, who has come to stand next to them – staring at their shouting friends with a mix of stern exasperation and amusement.

“I wonder how many we’ll have to chase because they’re out too late.”

Suga laughs, unconcerned by the worries of his captain. “They got permission from their parents, so it should all be fine.” His smile turns sinister when he goes on: “And you can always let those who are too tired tomorrow run extra laps before practice or something.”

Kei tries not to shiver, reminding himself to go back home as soon as Yamaguchi has bought whatever it was that he wanted to get from the festival.

*

The main entrance to the festival was closer than expected, so they reached the wooden arch marking the entry in a little under 15 minutes.

“Okay. So. You all got permission to go out. We’ll enter together, but those who want to wander off by themselves can do so. We’ll meet back here at 22h30.” Daichi waits until everyone has nodded before continuing: “Before going in, are there some of you who want to go to Mizuki?" He scratches his neck awkwardly as he waits for their replies.

Tsukishima grimaces as he watches the people around him agree with the plan to visit Mizuki first, all the while acting as if they hadn’t been planning this from the second one of them suggested they could go out to the festival together.

The Mizuki dream tree is a tradition that has always been stupid and has become even more annoying over the years. Even Kei’s grandmother had stories about the festival and its dream tree – convinced as she was that it had led her to her husband. ‘Something, something – and you can let your loved ones have a dream about you when winter turns into spring’. ‘ _What utter bullshit.’_

He hunches his shoulders as he follows behind the others, the sloshy snow squelching underneath his feet. It’s clear by staring at the mush they’re walking through how many people have passed here. But despite the snow covering the paths now being murky and brown, the tiny hill upon which the tree rests is still covered in pearly white. Something about the tree being holy must deter people from treading closer.

Kei sneers. How do people even get that stupid? It’s so clear that the little stalls in front of the hill are based solely on scams – promising things that a tree couldn’t ever fulfill – you know, since _it’s a fucking tree!_

He startles when Yamaguchi bumps into his left shoulder, accidentally pushed into him by an apologetic Asahi, who is slowly but surely being dragged forward by Nishinoya’s tiny figure.

They follow behind their ace and libero, who is having a vivid discussion with Hinata about the Mizuki and the festival in general. Their squeaking grinds on Tsukishima’s nerves, and he makes no attempt to hide his disdain for their enthusiasm – clicking his tongue any time one of them gets too rowdy. It doesn’t take long for Noya to turn on him and try to convince Yamaguchi and him “of the ‘Wonders Of The Tree’, as he calls it.”

“But imagine truly being able to let your crush have dreams about you, though?” Nishinoya crows excitedly. “Shouldn’t you at least try it out? You can’t know for sure, after all. I think everyone should buy a ticket, just to be sure!”

“I was planning on maybe buying one…”

Nishinoya’s joyful face turns shrewd. “ _Maybe,_ huh?”

Something cold drops into Tsukishima’s stomach at the intonation, and he glances at Yamaguchi, who’s completely focused on Nishinoya and his bullshit – his cheeks slightly pinker than they were before. 

He’s shaken out of it when Noya’s attention abruptly moves to him instead – responding automatically before the question has fully left the libero’s lips. “I’m not stupid. Why would I waste my money on shit like that?”

He ignores the way even Asahi is staring at him now. “You don’t have to say it like that dude, chill out.” Nishinoya chuckles, unbothered – if a little surprised, by Tsukishima’s harsh tone. He claps Yamaguchi on the shoulder jovially. “Don’t worry about that spoilsport Yamaguchi – just go for it!”

Kei tunes them out, choosing to stare at the string of lights that cover the roofs of the tickets stands instead. He doesn’t care about any of this. If Yamaguchi wants to waste his money on ‘sending people dreams’, then he should do so. It’s not like he’s expecting Tsukishima to cheer him on, anyway.

*

“Don’t push, people! You will all get your turn!”

Despite his distaste for the entire affair, Tsukishima still finds himself standing close to one of the booths, waiting for the others to decide on their purchase. He can hear the second-years arguing about the colour of their dream paper from where they’re gathered a couple of strides away. Yamaguchi has disappeared into the mass – probably still debating whether he should buy something or not. Tsukishima busies himself in the meantime by ignoring all the buzz around him, and concentrates instead on making sure that the tip of his nose doesn’t freeze off.

He startles out of the near meditative state he’s found himself in for the past few minutes when he hears a cough on his left side – but it’s only Asahi, who smiles at him weakly before staring at the ground again.

Kei is just on the brink of finding that meditative state of ‘nothing’ again – free from the noise around him, when Asahi coughs again – a little louder this time. Tsukishima simply raises his eyebrow a little, which the ace seems to take as an invitation to start talking.

Asahi’s chest swells up – and Tsukishima waits impatiently, both eyebrows raised this time, as he watches the wing spiker straighten his back, clearly building up courage to do something.

“You shouldn’t talk to Yamaguchi like that.”

The words come in a rush, but their meaning seeps in slow.

“Excuse me?”

Asahi looks nervous, but determined – an expression he usually reserves for volleyball matches.

“You shouldn’t… You know… He was really excited about the cards and he would-”, Asahi’s mumbled thoughts get lost in the rumour of the group of people shouting next to them.

Tsukishima is already done with this conversation, and it hasn’t even fully started. His respect for his senpai is the only thing tethering him to the ground – forcing him to listen to the continued mumbling.

“I shouldn’t-?”

Okay, so maybe that was a mistake. His drawled response makes Asahi’s cheeks flush more – a fire growing in his gaze which rarely shows. Kei doesn’t know how his senpai has interpreted his words, exactly, but the ace goes on before he can clarify.

“You shouldn’t make light of the things he likes.”

“What?”

“I’ve…” Asahi diverts his gaze; letting it slide over their friends and the booths again. “I’ve heard you two talk a lot of times, and you tend to be quite… I mean. You are opinionated, but do you share the positive stuff too, or solely the criticism? Because that’s what it looks like, most of the time.”

Acid burns in Kei’s throat, forcing its way out slowly, even if he tries to hold it down. “Not to be rude, Asahi-san, but you don’t know anything about what we’re like. About our friendship.”

“That might be true. But still I think you should try and sympathize with Yamaguchi’s point of view more often. He seemed really disappointed after your talk with Nishinoya. I’ve seen him look that like that before, too. Don’t… It’s not like I think you need to change your opinion, and knowing you, you’d probably never do that anyway – but maybe think about the way you’re saying things more often? You’re such good friends – why don’t you make him feel like one? It can be hard to bear too many negative opinions, you know-...”

“-when you’re sensitive to them” he finishes weakly.

Tsukishima is absolutely bewildered by the sudden speech. Verbal acid still collects in his mouth, making his tongue curl uncomfortably. The need to defend himself is nearly crushing. He’s shocked that Asahi has decided to speak out about something that’s so decidedly _not_ his business, even more so because of the level of emotion he has shown during his little monologue. It’s still bullshit, though.

Yamaguchi knows him through and through. He _knows_ Kei. He understands what Tsukishima means, even if he doesn’t say all of it out loud.

“Yamaguchi knows how to interpret what I think. He gets what I mean, when I say things. He doesn’t need me to coddle him.”

“Too much negative feedback will have repercussions on anyone, even if they’re supposed to know that you like them. It would make anyone anxious if it goes on long enough – regardless of the level of friendship you might have with that person. Being accepting of your friends’ interests even when they don’t appeal to you isn’t coddling, it’s being friendly.”

An uncomfortable itch starts to crawl upwards on Kei’s neck. It feels weirdly like guilt. Despite his dismissal of Asahi’s whining, he is aware that he’s been behaving more… Well, more dickish lately. It’s not that he likes behaving this way, but it’s a necessary evil. Some distance would do them good. Would do _him_ good. But at the same time he just can’t seem to step away. It’s a pull he always thought would disappear, but it has only gotten stronger with the years that went by.

Anyway – Yamaguchi can handle it. And it’s still a far better situation than the alternative. Because if he’d notice… If Yamaguchi would notice…

The dread Kei feels at that thought is so frighteningly cold that the freezing wind around them feels almost nice.

It’s just a matter of time. This is all his own fault, after all. He should have created more of a distance between them at the start of their friendship, then none of this would have happened. He’ll make it up to Yamaguchi in the future, when all of this goes away. And then they’ll finally be like they were before.

He ignores the little voice in his head that wonders what ‘before’ he’s talking about.

He’s shaken out of his thoughts by the soft crisping of the snow beneath Asahi’s shuffling feet. Tsukishima’s hope that they are finally done with all this disappears when the ace opens his mouth again.

“It’s not that hard. Just ask him about something he cares about.” He looks around, searching for a subject. “You can ask him about his dream ticket or-”

Whatever Asahi was planning on saying next gets lost in the shouts that suddenly drift in their direction for somewhere near one of the selling stalls.

“Hey Asahi! _Hey!_ Still haven’t decided who you want to dream about ya?!”

Tanaka’s hollering seems to echo across the field. Asahi’s cheeks colour so fast that for a moment Tsukishima is worried he’ll faint and faceplant in the snow.

“Why are you just standing there, huh?!”

“No! I don’t think-, I’m not-, I don’t need-”

Tsukishima stares at his stammering senpai for exactly 4 seconds before realizing that this is exactly what he’s been waiting for. He turns around, ready to make this escape, when he nearly collides with a small creature, sprinting past him.

“-WHUH!” He stumbles backwards – quickly looking around to see if anyone paid attention to his fumbling.

A faint _‘oof’_ sounds behind him as the human projectile crashes into Asahi, successfully cutting off the ace’s stammering.

Nishinoya is literally bouncing up and down; radiating an energy too bright to be contained in his small body, before jumping up and grabbing hold of Asahi’s shoulders, climbing him like one would climb a tree. He’s so loud in his excitement that Kei wonders how on earth it’s possible that Asahi hasn’t gone deaf yet.

“But you don’t need dream tickets to dream about _me,_ nè, Asahi-san?”

It seems Kei’s earlier thoughts about Asahi were wrong – it _is_ possible for him to turn an ever darker red than before. His mortified spluttering gets drowned out by Nishinoya’s victorious laughter and Tanaka’s guffawing.

Tsukishima uses the provided distraction to flee from the noise, deciding to wait for Yamaguchi a bit further away, where there’s less of a liability of getting caught up by the libero’s enthusiasm.

It’s only when he stands in a more secluded spot, close to the fourth booth, that he revisits the last of Asahi’s remarks.

He could easily start a conversation with Yamaguchi about the things he likes. It’s just that it’s… wiser to stray from subjects that make Tadashi’s eyes glimmer and his smile shine bright. He ponders whether he could try and talk about a subject _he_ detests, but Yamaguchi likes, as he stares at the back of Yamaguchi’s head where he’s deciding which card to buy – a couple meters away. But there’s very few of those.

And he can hardly ask who Tadashi is buying the dream card for.

He doesn’t care, after all.

Or at least he tries not to.

*

In the squabbling and frenzied excitement of his teammates, nobody notices Yamaguchi’s face as he starts writing down his wish.

It’s to be said without a doubt that they would have _stared_ though, had they noticed. Any single one of them would’ve been startled by the glint in Yamaguchi’s eyes as he watches the paper burn blue, before softly blowing the smoke in the direction of Mizuki.

Tsukishima huffs, curling his numb toes against his blanket in a futile attempt to warm them. He’s been lying awake for way too long now – especially since they still have training tomorrow morning. Asahi’s words and Yamaguchi disappointed stare keep swirling in his mind.

He kicks up his blankets in annoyance, resolutely turning to rest on his left side instead – his back facing the glowing red timestamp of his alarm clock, which seems to be taunting him with the amount of sleep he’s losing.

Whatever. He’ll think about it tomorrow.

Yes, tomorrow…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do want to point out that we follow Tsukki's thought process through-out this story, but that absolutely doesn't mean that you're supposed to agree with the way he's thinking. I sure don't, most of the time :p
> 
> Please fuel my feedback-cravings with your comments! :D  
> Thank you for reading & I hope you all have a great day!


	2. You know what he’s like

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Tsukishima has always sneered at other people for their failure to see Yamaguchi for the awesome person he is. Now that people_ do _see him for who he is, he isn’t entirely sure if he likes it after all. He had expected Yamaguchi to shine golden if he received more love, but that’s not exactly what has happened. No, instead he is shining so brilliantly that he constantly seems to attract new swarms of moths to surround him – forming a damn shield and stealing his light and warmth away. And Kei isn’t one for sharing, that’s for sure._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima doesn't know what's gonna hit him :p
> 
> My inspiration for the 2nd chapter, music-wise, was [’Nothing makes sense anymore’ by Mike Shinoda](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMTsul4UFl8). As mentioned before; his music has made up most of the songs I used to write this - I will link all songs and their creators every time.
> 
> **_"My upside's down, my black is white_ **  
>  **_I hold my breath, and close my eyes_ **  
>  **_And wait for dawn, but there's no light_ **  
>  **_Nothing makes sense anymore, anymore_ **  
>  **_Nothing makes sense anymore, anymore"_ **

It takes a couple of minutes of sleepy blinking for Tsukishima to realize that something has changed. It’s hard to describe, but something just feels… different.

The fuzziness edging the world around them, which he related to his own tiredness at first, doesn’t disappear when his mind wakes more and more. The differences become clear when he reaches right for his glasses, but his hand bumps into a small closet instead.

He glances left as he moves to sit up, his alarm clock informing him that it’s ’06:54’, his glasses resting next to them.

Kei stares around the room. There aren’t any major differences, but everything still feels vaguely _off._ He sighs, already putting the pieces together, and raises his hand.

For a second, there’s silence. Then, with a small ‘poof’ a tiny blue dinosaur appears in Tsukishima’s palm – staring up at him curiously. Tsukishima stares at the dinosaur – calmly putting it on his nightstand where it starts running circles around his nightlight.

It’s only a little later when he realizes that his deduction is incorrect. The curtains didn’t open by themselves, like he wanted them to. A frown clouds over Kei’s neutral expression. He’s used to lucid dreams. There’d been a time where he read up as much as he could about a way to invoke them.

The general vibe in the room is still weirdly dreamlike, but it appears he doesn’t hold as much power as he normally does. He shrugs, moving to get his school uniform. It’s not like it really matters – it’s just a dream. He’ll remember less than half of it when he wakes, that’s how it’s always been. He can’t bring himself to care enough about it to try and change the colour of his closet, or how many suns are hanging in the sky today.

He’s already used to the changes when he closes the front door behind him. Most of the lucid dreams he has are filled with magical items or atmospheres. This one is a little different though – void of the warm fuzziness that normally covers his being whenever he goes on one of his dream adventures. It feels nearly perfectly identical to how the world would be when he’s awake, he thinks, turning to face the garden. Well, except maybe for the fact that all the snow is gone – a bright summer sun already burning down on the bluestone tiles. His clothing has automatically shifted from warm winterwear to his lighter summer uniform, the second he stepped outside – his scarf and mitts evaporating into thin air. It leaves him unbothered. He’s seen weirder things before. One of his favourite parts about these dreams is that almost nothing feels unexpected, you’re always in control of the situation. And even if you aren’t – in a dream, everything seems logical, no matter how strange.

Tsukishima keeps noticing little things. It’s peculiar how specific the changes in this dreamworld are, compared to the dreams he normally has. He glances down at his cell phone – the YouTube app automatically opening itself when he connects to his headset, instead of his usual Spotify. He hopes this isn’t going to be one of those boring dreams. Not that he can do very much about it if that is the case, but still.

He halts suddenly. The walk to Yamaguchi’s house felt like it took 2 hours and 20 seconds at the same time.

“Hey Tsukki!”

Kei blinks. Yamaguchi looks… different. His hair is longer, for one – but that’s not all. It’s something in the way he is standing. Or maybe something with his shoulders? He steps back so Yamaguchi can exit his house, still observing his friend silently.

“Bye dad!”

Someone inside the house yells a farewell back before Yamaguchi slams the door shut, turning and waving in a loose movement. “Let’s go.”

*

It’s the way he carries himself, Tsukishima decides, after only three minutes of walking. That’s where the main change is. He glances to his right, where Yamaguchi is talking a mile a minute. He can see Tadashi’s ‘you got served!’ T-shirt – the image visible where his uniform is hanging open. The Yamaguchi _he_ is used to would never be this casual about his school uniform, or his appearance in general, for that matter.

Kei hasn’t heard Yamaguchi talk this long on end in ages. Maybe never. It’s like he isn’t breathing in between his stories at all. “-and then Rin said-”, “-but ‘Hiko wanted to meet up and”, “-he’s such an idiot, I swear! Anyway, I-” He just keeps going on and _on,_ seemingly having no need for feedback whatsoever. It doesn’t bother Kei, it’s actually kind of refreshing to be able to listen instead of having to voice his opinion every 2 sentences, but it still feels a little weird.

They head into the school buildings, pausing at their lockers to change their footwear and take their books before heading to class.

“What class do we have again?”

“-Yamaguchi?”

Kei turns, confused at the silence that greets his question. It appears like Yamaguchi instantly walked off after grabbing his books – enthusiastically meeting up with a gang of fellow first-years who stood waiting in the middle of the corridor.

Tsukishima looks down when he feels a sudden weight press into him – his school books automatically having materialized in his arms. He shrugs, closing his locker before awkwardly walking in the direction of Yamaguchi’s strangely familiar meet ups with his friends. They have to be friends, with the way they’re all reacting.

Tsukishima’s dream-brain knows that they have been to school the previous day, but the others act like they haven’t seen each other in weeks. A couple of them nod to Tsukishima, one of them waving hello before focussing their attention on Yamaguchi again.

Kei shuffles forward until he’s next to Tadashi, who finally seems to realize that Tsukishima has been gone for the last few minutes.

“Ah, there you are. What took you so long?” He doesn’t wait for an answer, immediately redirecting his attention to the girl on his right again, laughing at the anecdote she’s sharing. ‘Miyako’, Kei’s mind provides helpfully.

Tsukishima stares, a slight scowl on his face. What does he even mean “where were you”? If he’d looked behind him for a second, he would have seen exactly where Tsukishima was; right where he’d left him behind. Yamaguchi hadn’t even _noticed_ that he was gone until they literally bumped elbows when Tsukishima was stepping closer to him again.

He doesn’t know why, but something tells him that this dream Yamaguchi wouldn’t be all too bothered by that fact.

*

They all walk to class together; two boys following Miyako into a classroom on the left, while Yamaguchi, Tsukishima and three others enter the third classroom in the corridor.

Tsukishima has never been so invested in his classes as he is today. It’s the only time during the day when he doesn’t feel weirdly out of place. His body keeps reacting in strange ways; making his stomach churn or sadness sweep over him at situations that would normally leave him unbothered. He wonders if it’s the result of his dream-body being used to different feelings than ‘Normal Kei’. He doesn’t care that much about it, but he would be glad if the sensations stopped. Even if he knows that he shouldn’t _feel_ as uncomfortable as he does whenever he says something that makes Yamaguchi frown where he’d normally laugh, it’s still really awkward.

It works the other way too, he finds, when he gets interrupted by Yamaguchi _again_ during lunch. Instead of the wave of internal anger he expects, his body feels… kind of nothing. It’s incredibly distracting – like missing the last step of a staircase that you had been _sure_ would be there. It has to be said that he doesn’t think this Yamaguchi _means_ for himself to be rude. He’s just… Too popular. It’s not that their friend group is enormous; it’s just the 8 of them. But where normal Yamaguchi stammers often, or gets uncomfortable whenever he receives any amount of attention, this Yamaguchi is used to people shutting up whenever he wants to speak. He doesn’t really intend to interrupt them, but everyone halts anyway whenever a new thought shoots through his brain that he wants to share.

It’s a very weird feeling.

Tsukishima has always sneered at other people for their failure to see Yamaguchi for the awesome person he is. Now that people _do_ see him for who he is, he isn’t entirely sure if he likes it after all. He had expected Yamaguchi to shine golden if he received more love, but that’s not exactly what has happened. No, instead he is shining so brilliantly that he constantly seems to attract new swarms of moths to surround him – forming a damn shield and stealing his light and warmth away. And Kei isn’t one for sharing, that’s for sure. But it’s not like it matters what Kei wants. His opinion no longer fuels every single one of their decisions. This is proven once more when they’re heading towards the school gates after classes.

He listens in as Ayumu and Ryou discuss their plans with Yamaguchi, only to be interrupted by Masahiko, who throws his arm across Ryou’s and Yamaguchi’s shoulders as he happily greets them. Masahiko is followed by a laughing Hiroshi and Rin, who simply blinks at them - uncaring.

Tsukishima simply steps aside, leaving a bit of space in between him and the wave of enthusiasm next to him. He’s not _that pathetic_ that he’s going to battle these morons for Yamaguchi’s attention. It’s not like any of this is real, after all. It just doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that this newer, more confident Yamaguchi doesn’t stick to his side like regular Tadashi would.

‘Maybe this is better,’ Kei tries to convince himself, acting like this new world order doesn’t cause him to feel like one of his limbs is missing, ‘people who depend too much on others are annoying. A burden.’ Except that’s never what his relationship with Yamaguchi has felt like. Never what Tadashi has been to him, regardless of what it sometimes may have looked like.

“Tsukki?”

“Huh?” Tsukishima looks up, bewildered. He can still see the other boys and Miyako in front of them, but they’re softer somehow, like he’s viewing them through a smoky bubble.

Masahiko’s coat has turned almost brown instead of its bright red – Rin’s disinterested drawl and Hiroshi’s booming laughter sound muffled, and he can’t hear the others at all, even though they’re only one or two meters further away than their classmates.

“I asked if you wanted to come with, to the pool party next weekend?”

“You know I don’t like crowded places.”

“Ah, right…”

Yamaguchi looks a bit droopy. It’s a sharp contrast to the little spots of sunlight dancing across his skin; filtered through the leaves of the trees lining the path. Something inside Tsukishima clenches, but he shrugs it off. They always spend their Saturdays together. He has the feeling that doing something with just the two of them will do them good.

A clock starts ticking inside the bubble. Yamaguchi doesn’t react – still frowning to the floor, so it’s clearly something from Kei’s mind alone. He starts to cringe when the ticking turns to a solid ‘DONG’ – louder and louder until it starts to hurt his ears.

“Let’s go then.”

“Hmm?”

Tsukishima can feel his ribcage tremble in tune with the beats of the invisible stopwatch.

“I want to go.”

“Home”, he clarifies, in reaction to Yamaguchi’s blank stare.

“Okay.”

The booming sound stops. Kei’s shoulders sag in relief. He can still hear a faint whistling in the air.

“See you tomorrow then. I’ll let the others know that you aren’t coming on Saturday. I thought you might because you asked me to tell you whenever Masahiko held another party? But well, you can come another time, I guess. Anyway – bye, Tsukki!”

“Wha-?”

Tsukishima automatically reaches forward as Yamaguchi turns and walks back to his friends. He stops the second he realizes what he’s doing. Yamaguchi can go to any stupid party with _whoever_ the fuck he wants. He debates the situation for a moment – weighing his dislike of unknown people to the idea of losing another moment with Yamaguchi.

He makes up his mind just a second too late.

Yamaguchi steps through the barrier right at the moment that Tsukishima lifts his head again. The bubble gives off a soft ‘poof’ sound, the smoky walls softly exploding outwards and fluttering towards the ground, covering the stone path in a layer of mist.

Tadashi doesn’t look back, and Tsukishima can only stare as he gets swallowed up by his new friend group, who are immediately surrounding him with laughter and stupid back pats. Kei moves to step forward, a half-baked plan in mind to reach for Yamaguchi still, and tell him that maybe he’s changed his mind. Maybe…

But the second this thought pops into his head, the silky mist dancing around his ankles turns to cement, shackling him to the floor.

The more he tries to fight against the hold on him, the denser the trees and bushes around him seem to grow – branches surrounding him and getting closer and closer. He gasps for air as vines circle his torso in tight coils, holding him still as leaf-covered branches curl inward – the trees to the side of the path forming an arch that keeps shrinking until they’re everywhere; curling all around him. Right as Tsukishima starts to fear that they’ll make him suffocate, the branches pull away and his feet hit the solid wood of his bedroom floor.

Kei stumbles forward, hitting the ground with a thud as he heaves.

His body calms down the second he gets up again – all of the tension leaving his limbs in that peculiar way that only happens in dreams.

“You know, you could’ve just come in through the door.”

Kei turns, but there’s only their shaggy black cat on his bed, licking its paw. The voice doesn’t frighten him though, and he’s just decided to ignore it and choose a pair of pyjamas from his cupboard when a thought makes him freeze.

‘We don’t have cats’, some voice in the back of his mind mentions blearily, ‘dad is allergic.’

*

It doesn’t take long for Kei to start questioning the sanity of his own mind if _this_ is the type of people-, cats-, _creatures_ that he’d willingly invite into his own (already shitty) dream world.

Against all expectations, Kuroo is even more annoying in his longhaired cat form than as a human, and Kei quickly realizes that the limits of his own power in this half-lucid dream don’t stretch to Kuroo. He can’t make the cat-person disappear or come back, sadly enough, and Kuroo seems to be aware of it too – which makes this whole situation even worse.

It’s been twelve minutes now, and Kei is still stubbornly ignoring every question that KurooCat sends his way. The headache of Kuroo’s babbling is an unwelcome addition the general annoyance this day has left him with.

Tsukishima cracks after 28 minutes, when Kuroo mentions that he’s going to start singing ballads if Kei doesn’t tell him ‘why he looks like he swallowed 3 lemons for breakfast’. He has only started his yowling for 2 seconds when Kei cuts him off, hands covering his ears.

_“SHUT THE FUCK UP!”_

Kuroo’s grin twists the cat’s face into an expression that no feline should _ever_ have. “Tsk, you shouldn’t talk like that to your senpai, Tsukki, didn’t you know?”.

Kei’s shoulders sag, and suddenly he’s so _tired_. Kuroo notices. Of course he does. In the process of posing all his invasive questions, half of them were answered by Kuroo himself, simply by staring at Tsukishima and deciphering his reactions.

“Well, it’s quite obvious that you’re unsettled. Should I just let you simmer in your sourness instead, then? That doesn’t sound like something a friend would do.”

Kei is too tired to fight Kuroo on the friend-comment. Maybe they are, a little, somewhere deep down.

“Come on, Tsukki~ What does it matter? Talking helps, trust me! It’s what the normal people do, I’ve heard.”

“I’m talking… to a cat…”

“Well, why wouldn’t you?”

Tsukishima blinks, thinking that one over. He doesn’t know if he’d be able to explain to KurooCat that he is only a fragment of a random dream – and whether he _would_ , even if he could do so.

Maybe venting to KurooCat isn’t that bad of an idea in the end. It’s not something he normally does, but then nothing in this dream has been very normal.

_‘Whatever. It’s just a dream. Talking to a cat might turn out to be the most successful way of dealing with this madness.’_

Tsukishima learns exactly what position he’s in on the second day of classes. He’s still thinking about his conversation with KurooCat while he’s getting ready for their English class. To be fair, their talk _did_ help a little. Kuroo spent most of the evening simply listening to Tsukishima and grooming his fur, only making small comments here and there when he thought it necessary or when Kei fell silent for a while. Tsukishima is still confused about it, but being able to rant about his problems to a friend who still cared had calmed him down significantly in comparison to the evening before.

Looking back, he could blame his wandering attention for the situation, but then again, he doesn’t see where the fuck he went wrong with this.

“Is that a real cat?”

Masahiko’s interested tone cuts right through his thoughts, coming from far closer than he expected. The blonde is leaning across the gap between Yamaguchi’s and Tsukishima’s desks, peering over Tadashi’s shoulder to watch the phone he’s holding. ‘This’ Yamaguchi clearly isn’t aware that Tsukishima isn’t supposed to have a cat, as he’s currently cooing at Kuroo’s stupid feline face on the pictures.

“Does it look like a human to you?”

There’s nothing holding Kei back from speaking with his regular disdainful drawl. The question is so stupid in itself. Well… yes, maybe Kuroo is taller than a regular cat would be, more of a Maine Coon than a random street cat, but still. It’s not like there’s a panther in the pictures. It’s just a cat. Yamaguchi doesn’t seem to share his opinion, weirdly enough. He frowns at Tsukishima as Masahiko falters, broad shoulder sagging a little as he chuckles nervously, taken aback by the icy disapproval in Kei’s tone. “Ah, yeah, it’s just… He was kinda big and I thought… Never mind.”

An awkward silence covers their little group as Tsukishima stares at Yamauchi incredulously, while the pinch server tries to save the conversation as he babbles to Inaka about whatever stupid shit they were talking about during break, Masahiko’s smile breaking through again as he listens to their stories, Tsukishima’s phone forgotten on the desk in front of them.

It’s not like he expected Tadashi to burst out laughing, but he’d normally chuckle in the very least. What is _up_ with this world?

*

He has shaken off the weird feeling by the time the bell rings to signal lunch period.

“Let’s go eat, Tsukki.”

Kei’s mouth twitches and he hides his relief behind a sigh as he turns to regard Yamaguchi. He’ll hold back his “shut up” comment this time.

“Yeah, I’m starving, let’s go.”

Tadashi squints at him when he doesn’t halt his actions, more than ready to leave the classroom and go sit somewhere outside.

“What about Rin and Hiko an-“

“What about them?” Tsukishima tries very hard to refrain from showing his irritation on his face, but the amount of pointless questions he had to answer today are starting to annoy the shit out of him. His shoulders tense when he hears Miyako calling for Yamaguchi in the corridor. “They will remember how to eat, won’t they? Can’t we just ditch them and go somewhere alone?”

Kei realizes he has made a mistake before reaching the end of his sentence. Yamaguchi’s face loses all emotion, turning blank and masklike. Tsukishima waits for a reaction, silent horror chipping away his power over his own body and forcing him to stand still and waiting, like some sort of nauseous statue.

Yamaguchi is silent for so long that the rest of his squad has finalized gathering at the door of the classroom.

“Yo- you coming or what, Yama?”

Hiroshi’s voice seems to unfreeze whatever was holding Yamaguchi prisoner, and he blinks, his voice as emotionless as his face when he says: “Sure. You do that, Tsukki. Enjoy your lunch.” Then, he turns and marches off towards his friends, smiling the second Ryou dryly welcomes him and starts telling about some kind of tv-show he saw recently.

Tsukishima just stands there and watches him go, unaware of the floor melting around him and transporting him outside, to the trees he wanted to use for shade during lunchtime. He doesn’t understand what’s happening. He isn’t doing anything wrong?

He spends lunch alone for the first time in years – refusing to go look for Kageyama or Hinata and sit with them instead, even though he’s sure that the idiot duo would allow him into their tiny group to eat. He isn’t going to humiliate himself by asking, and he doesn’t _want to_ anyway. Being alone isn’t _that_ bad. He ignores the hollow twinge in his stomach. It’s just the hunger.

And it isn’t like any of this matters in the first place – Yamaguchi will turn ‘round eventually. Whatever is causing him to behave this weirdly won’t last forever. He’s sure of it. This is Yamaguchi they’re talking about after all.

Apparently Yamaguchi has realized that his reaction might have been a little exaggerated, because he behaves normally when classes start again.

They almost make it until the end of the day before something new happens that gets Yamaguchi annoyed again. It truly wasn’t that big of a deal either. It’s not _Kei’s fault_ that Masahiko tripped as he was bragging about the mark he got on his test to Tadashi. Okay, he _might_ have shown his sniggering a little more clearly than he normally would have, whenever someone crashes into the floor – but he just can’t help it. He had an instant dislike for the general air of most of this ‘new group’, but Masahiko he dislikes the most. Him and that Inaka, because Hiroshi never seems to shut up – not even during lessons. They’re not _bad_ people, necessarily, but that doesn’t mean that Kei has to like them either.

So in hindsight, Yamaguchi’s reaction was uncalled for, he decides, scowling as he redresses for practice with Yamaguchi’s remarks still echoing in his mind.

“It’s okay to tone the level of asshole down a little now and then, Tsukki.”

*

Practice was bliss. You’ll never catch him saying it out loud, but it was. Volleyball doesn’t change, no matter the social bullshit outside of the gym. Inside, everything is the same – from the freak duo’s idiocy to Sugawara senpai’s sadistic humor.

It’s reassuring that some things are still the same, even in this world. One of those being Yachi – whose connection to the New Yamaguchi is one of the best things that exists in this world, because it’s equal to the one they normally have. That’s also why Kei hesitates when she corners him at the end of practice.

“Hey Tsukki!” What’s up with you? You’ve been acting kind of weird all day… Are you alright?”

Kei stares down at her smile. Small, kind, and disarming as Yachi is, she’s very hard to hide your struggles from.

“I don’t know if-”

“Ah, but since you didn’t blow me off at once, there must be _something_ , right?” Her smile doesn’t waver as she waits patiently for him to get his bearing.

He hesitates for a second, but decides to share his worries eventually. If there’s _anyone_ other than him who’d be able to explain Tadashi’s weird behaviour, it’s Yachi. He watches as her face doesn’t stray from its confused expression as he repeats Yamaguchi’s earlier words.

“…Yes…?” She coughs. “Ah, euhm… Is… Is that it? Or?”

Kei stares at her unblinkingly, but she doesn’t appear to be all that bothered – simply twisting her mouth before glancing to the side, measuring her words.

“Did you sleep well last night? Or is there something else? Something weighing on you, or-?”

“What?”

She shrugs, helplessly. “I guess I just don’t fully get why you’re upset? Yama always says things like that? Just try to ignore them, you know he doesn't mean what he says, it's just how he is. You know what he’s like – he just wants to be nice to everyone at the same time.”

*

Even Kuroo fails to understand, when they talk it over that evening. He has taken to climbing on Kei’s back or his shoulders – one time even trying to sit on Tsukishima’s head while he was whining about KenmaCat not paying him enough attention because he wants to sleep all day. Kei keeps a full water bottle next to his bed since then. Kuroo hasn’t attempted to sit on his head again – the fear of being sprayed with water enough to keep him at bay thus far.

Today, Kuroo entertains himself by attacking Tsukki’s leg whenever he moves it too much under the covers while he’s reading, which is what he is currently _trying_ to do, except all the weird shit of the last few days keeps dancing around in his head. He just can’t seem to let it go for some reason.

“-and then she said ‘just ignore it Kei, you know what he’s like’ – like I can just forget how he’s acting _all the fucking time_.”

Kuroo stops pawing at the blanket to stare up at him, his expression suddenly unreadable. “I think it’s undeniably healthy to be confronted with your own idiocy from time to time, Tsukki.”

“Wh-…”

“-in order to maintain a conscious connection to the way your behaviour and the way you phrase things affects other people.”

“You- What’s _that_ supposed to mean?! Stop trying to sound smart when your words don’t have any weight to them!”

But Kuroo just moves to take place at the end of Kei’s bed, curling himself into a fluffy ball and basking in the sunlight which is more concentrated on this particular spot on the covers, asleep in seconds. Even when he wakes up half an hour later, he refuses to turn back to the previous subject.

*

The next few days are as annoying as the ones before. Every day appears to be a school day in this universe, so there’s no escape from the new pack that follows Yamaguchi like their lives depend on it.

Now, they're not all that bad. Rin, for all his arrogance, is far less airheaded than the others - and Ayumu is so shy that he's very easy to get along with - he doesn't whine about stupid stuff at all. Still, there’s something… wrong… Something feels off. Something that Tsukishima wants to punch himself in the face for when he realizes what has been so strange all this time. It’s a ridiculous detail, stupid really. But with how close all of these people are, none of the physical touches or loud exclamations of friendship have stung as deeply as the nicknames do.

You see, even without Kei acknowledging it, everyone knows that _he_ is (Yamaguchi’s) Tsukki. Tadashi is the only one who gets to even try calling him that, and Kei is also the only person who receives Yamaguchi’s affection this way.

When he first awoke in this reality, most of his annoyance was focused on the fact that the both of them are part of this bigger group of friends now, but over the last couple of days he has come to the realization that that’s not the case. It’s not _them_ who are part of the group, it’s mostly Yamaguchi. Or maybe it _used to be_ the two of them, but the more Tsukishima molds this dream body to behave like he usually would, the less they interact with him. Having a lot of friends isn’t something Tsukishima has ever truly cared for, but still, knowing that he’s merely being tolerated for Yamaguchi’s benefit stings.

It’s during one of his evening conversations with Kuroo that he actively decides not to care for it any longer than he already has. He’s still Tadashi’s best friend. None of those other guys will ever get on the level of friendship they have. Not after all those years. So he won’t care about them. He doesn’t think about all the changes in his life, standing out starkly – black as Kuroo’s fur against the soft white of his normal life. He doesn’t. He won’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Tsukki has entered the dreamworld :) What do y'all think about this mentor - you know, helping him with his felines? :v (I've thought so long about how to make a feelings-pun, I'm sorry)  
> Kuroocat is only there to help Kei, he's always been a kind person after all :v
> 
> Please fuel my feedback-cravings with your comments! :D  
> I hope you all have a great day and don't forget to wash your hands!


	3. Shut up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Common Kei,_ think. _I can’t spell everything out for you, can I? Humans don’t learn well if you just_ tell them _all the answers. Some things you need to find out for yourself. Go over the things you did wrong – you can talk to me about it, if you want? I think it’ll be good for you.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the kind words some readers have been leaving on my story! That's exactly what gives me the energy to create works like this one! ^^
> 
> My inspiration for the 3rd chapter, music-wise, is [’Nothing makes sense anymore’ by Mike Shinoda](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMTsul4UFl8), just like the last one.
> 
> **_"I used to know where the bottom was  
>  Somewhere far under the ocean waves  
>  Up on a ledge I was looking down  
>  It was far enough to keep me safe_ **
> 
> **_But the ground was cracked open  
>  Threw me in the ocean  
>  Cast me out away at sea  
>  And the waves are still breaking  
>  Now that I awaken  
>  No one's left to answer me"_**
> 
> ****
> 
> Please enjoy the new chapter! ;)
> 
> ****

Tsukishima has been here for nearly a week, he thinks. It’s weird how fast the days start to blend together when every day is a school day (the random time jumps that occur every once in a while don’t help much either). The longer he stays in this world, the harder it is to protect himself from the way his surroundings are starting to affect him.

Tsukishima looks up. Tired eyes stare back from the cracked school bathroom mirror, cold water still running over his wrists and fingers. The shitty thing about being in a bad dream is that it always feels like whatever is going on lasts for a century, even if you’ve only slept for 3 minutes in ‘real time’. The knowledge that it won’t last that much longer is his main source of calm during all this.

He turns around to open the bathroom door, and steps out onto the school’s volleyball court instead. A quick look around proves that he has just exited the first-year boy’s locker room, already dressed in the Karasuno sport gear every student has to wear during gym classes.

He calmly walks up to the rest of the group, who are already gathered to listen to the explanation of their teacher. It appears that they’re going to play handball. He isn’t as great at it as volleyball, for obvious reasons – but he’s still decent, if not good. Against most people’s expectations, Tsukishima doesn’t really like gym class, even if he’s quite good at most sports. The amount of lost energy just isn’t worth it for things that aren’t of true interest to him. The only upside to letting the students choose the teams themselves is your best friend being chosen as the captain of the first team, Kei reasons.

Yamaguchi looks even taller than usual as he stands next to their teacher, who stands in between Tadashi and Rin, who looks even more bored than he normally does. The captain’s title looks good on him.

Kei looks away to stare outside of the window when the teacher goes over the rules a second time. ‘Truly, how stupid do these coaches think we are?’ He’s so distracted that he almost forgets to move forward as Yamaguchi, who gets to choose first, starts calling his name.

He steps forward, shaking his head to get his mind back to the tactical state he always enters during matches. He’s quite sure who Tadashi is going to pick next, and he has some ideas that might really help them form a strong team. Before he can take a second step though, the world freezes – and Tsukishima with it. There’s a creaking sound, as if someone is changing the station on an old radio, and then the teacher’s voice repeats Tadashi’s choice: “Tsuyima.”

Masahiko bounces on his heels before walking forward, taking place on Yamaguchi’s right side as the two of them wait for Rin to choose. The lanky boy doesn’t outright glare at Yamaguchi, but he does look at least bummed out enough to shake his wild white-blond hair back in disappointment before calling out a new name. Rin goes a tactical route and chooses the best player of their class, turning back to stare at Masahiko after he’s made his choice. Kei has the feeling he isn’t the only one who dislikes Tadashi’s decision.

Tsukishima hesitates, still placed awkwardly in front of the others by half a step. He is stood so far to the left that nobody outright mentions his mistake. He steps back as Yamaguchi calls out ‘Inaka’ next, the soft voice a physical push against his chest, forcing him backwards. There isn’t any sniggering or pitying glances. ‘People don’t really care that much, it seems, or at least not in this world’ he thinks, as Hiroshi goes to stand on Yamaguchi’s left.

It’s like being doused under an ice-cold shower – the water so chilling that you can’t even feel it crashing down on your shoulders anymore.

Tsukishima’s face betrays no emotion as Yamaguchi calls out for him as his third choice, failing to smile back as Yamaguchi welcomes him enthusiastically onto his team. The ice-water keeps on slowly seeping into his veins as he stands next to Masahiko and waits for both teams to finalize their decisions.

Maybe he has misinterpreted some things about this world after all.

Fine. See who cares.

*

It’s the shittiest gym class Kei has ever had the misfortune to suffer through. The ice water refuses to withdraw from his body – leaving him shivery and stumbling instead of graceful and lethal, the way he normally moves while playing.

The other team is incredibly well balanced, with Rin leading them every step of the way. He’s coming at them with a vengeance, which sucks even more since Kei feels so out of his element right now. His mind closes off more and more with every pass that Tadashi sends to the other players of the team. This is completely illogical. It doesn’t make sense to be jealous of an entire team, especially since most of them were picked for the team at a later time than he was, but it doesn’t thaw the ice in his chest. The only thing currently cutting through the numbness and annoyance at his own ineptitude is a sharp glee when Hiroshi makes an unsuccessful attempt to block Rin’s pass and slips, crashing into Masahiko instead. The latter waves Inaka’s apologies away, wincing slightly as a worried Rin helps him up. Yamaguchi appears next to them – fussing about as Masahiko limps over to the coach to discuss if he should sit out or not.

“Pathetic.”

The spiteful word burns inside his chest – a wild fire that feels like it’s able to slowly start thawing the lump of ice residing there. The internal sneering warms him to the tips of his fingers, making it all the more jarring when the heat suddenly falls away again from the second an even colder tone than his own reaches his ears:

“Shut up, Tsukki.”

Tsukishima gawks at Yamaguchi’s like the other boy just slapped him as the rest of the class starts to circle them, whispering, all the while getting closer and closer. Rin suddenly appears as one of the faces in the most inner circle – finally back from aiding Masahiko to the coach – who whistles, causing the other students to start walking even faster.

Yamaguchi remains silent as the circle shrinks, occasionally throwing a glance to their classmates as one of the whispers rings more clear than the others. Some of them would be outright funny in their dramatics if the words they were spitting didn’t feel like they were stones – pelting Tsukishima’s way.

“Did you see that? He told him _good._ ”

“Are they even friends? How can anyone truly be friends with someone that salty.”

“What a loser.”

“You should stay away from negative people Yama, they have a problem for every solution.”

The voices stop whispering, getting louder as the people around them start pushing against Tsukishima’s back, forcing him forward. Rather than getting squished by the bodies, like Kei, Yamaguchi melts into them. The brunette calmly steps back until he suddenly exits the mass of people, turning and walking away without sparing Tsukishima another look.

Kei watches as Tadashi walks away, the people around him pressing closer with each step Yamaguchi takes, their voices gaining strength by the second as their words keep ringing through his head, bearing down on the façade of cool detachment that has already fractured from shock.

The room swirls as Kei starts to yell – his voice unheard in the sea of muttering and screaming from his classmates.

* 

When Tsukishima comes to, he is sitting behind his desk, their teacher’s monotone explanation about their math homework washing over him as he wildly looks around, ready for more comments on the gym incident, but everyone is listening attentively, completely focussed on Mr Yagami’s feedback.

There’s a high screeching sound as the legs of Kei’s chair drag across the floor in his attempt to move closer to his desk, but nobody notices, except for…

Yamaguchi turns his head left from his desk next to Tsukishima, even though he wasn’t seated there before. The pinch server’s smile is empty as he looks at Tsukishima without recognition before turning away and gazing back at the front of the class.

Kei hesitates, before thinking ‘screw it’, and stands up from his chair – waving his arms around wildly. When nobody does or says anything to show that they detect his movements in any way, he moves for the door, ready to get out of there. He nearly falls over when he pulls the door open – the sight in front of him filled by the black void of outer space – stars twinkling in the distance as he gazes out of the doorway in horror. Despite there being stars in the distance – there a distinctive feeling of nothingness that lurks on the other side of the doorway – goading Tsukishima on to dare step outside. He bows forward a little to stare past the tiles that mark the end of the classroom floor.

Nothing.

There’s no wind, no clouds, no planets or other celestial bodies. There’s just _black,_ with tiny pricks of lights smattered in between the inky darkness like a random afterthought. It’s just as intense and never-ending as the view of the ‘sky’ when he tilts his head upwards and stares to what _should_ be the ceiling of the school corridor.

Kei slowly closes the door and slinks back down into his seat, resting his face on his arms. Maybe falling asleep is the one way he’ll finally be able to leave this hellhole.

*

Sleeping doesn’t turn out to be very effective. At least not in the way Kei wanted it to be. Tsukishima gets woken up by a soft but insisting poking sensation on his right shoulder – a slim girl with mousy brown hair at his side as she smiles at him nervously.

“Tsukishima-kun, can I talk to you for a minute, please?”

A quick scan of the room shows Yamaguchi in the right front corner, where he’s talking to some of his friends – raising a hand and smiling at Tsukishima when he catches his eye. Tsukishima is so _relieved_ he has to close his eyes for a second before remembering that the girl is still there, waiting for his answer.

“Sorry, could you repeat that?”

Her cheeks turn a light pink as she repeats her request, and Kei sighs before nodding, agreeing to walk out with her to the courtyard, the sun shining down on them as he turns to hear what she has to say.

The colouring in her cheeks has deepened during their walk, and Tsukishima is preparing himself for the awkward moment that’ll ultimately follow when she suddenly bows and holds out an envelope – stuttering out her intentions in one long fast-paced sentence.

“Could you please hand this over to Yamaguchi-kun? I’ve written this for him, but I didn’t… I mean…” she clenches her fist, probably in an attempt to regain some of her courage. Tsukishima just thinks she looks constipated. “I know that you’re friends and I’m too nervous to tell him in person, so…?” She stares up at him, hopeful wide eyes just visible underneath her fringe.

The hand with the letter twitches. Kei still doesn’t reach for it.

The girl slowly starts to deflate as he stares at her, dumbstruck.

“Listen, euh-?”

“Hime!”

“Yeah, listen, Hime-chan – I’m not quite sure if I’m the best person to-”, Kei begins awkwardly, but Hime interrupts him with another plea before he can finish his sentence. “Please, Tsukishima-kun! Or- or do you think it _would_ be better if I did it? The others said that I shouldn’t, but if you think that that’s for the best, then-”

Tsukishima doesn’t know what to say to any of this, and decides to grab the letter out of her hand before she pokes his eye out with it, the way her arms wave around enthusiastically a clear threat – even with his glasses.

He doesn’t mean to be rude, but he’s still baffled that this is even happening at all. In all the years they’ve been in school together – girls only ever approached Tsukishima; pulled in by his height or intellect. He never understood how they interpreted his silence as an form of attractive mystery, but alas, this tiny girl is the first one who followed his long-held belief that they’re idiots to go for Tsukishima and not for a softer, more kind person, like-

He shakes his head, annoyed. He’s never had any troubles denying the random affections of girls that came and confessed to him, but it’d be a bit weird to do so in Yamaguchi’s place. That is, he realizes with an uncomfortable lurch in his stomach, if Yamaguchi even _wants_ to reject her.

In the end, he promises to deliver her letter – feeling weirdly robotic all the while as he accepts the envelope with a fake smile. Kei’s spirit doesn’t know what to make of this, but his body clearly knows what to say – and Hime leaves him behind with a wave, relieved of (most of) her worries.

The paper in between Tsukishima’s makes a crinkling sound as he focusses on holding back from tearing it into pieces.

*

Hime-chan turns out to be the first, but certainly not the last girl to come ask for Kei’s advice. It’s like they all waited for some sort of inaudible starting signal, because from that day on – one girl after the other comes to confess their feelings for his friend. Tsukishima doesn’t know what he hates the most – when they come to him first, or when they go to Tadashi directly, because even though that last option sounds like it’s the better one, it has some _pretty obvious_ disadvantages. This is the third time that Yamaguchi has ditched him this week, dragged away by a horde of girls wanting to share their admiration for the freckled pinch server.

Tsukishima scowls at the corner of the wall where Yamaguchi had disappeared with Hui… or Yui, or whatever the most recent girl is called. When _he_ was the one being confessed to, at least he stayed in Yamaguchi’s vicinity instead of dumping him somewhere.

He’s lucky he doesn’t truly care about this, Kei thinks, as he checks his cell phone for the umptieth time as he waits for their return. The only rational reason to dislike this turn of events is that Tadashi would likely give him even less attention, and this week ‘s been shitty enough already.

*

They return 4 minutes later – the girl’s puffy eyes levelled out by her calm expression. Tsukishima is even denied the joy of internal gloating at her failure, his mood soured once again as Yamaguchi pats her shoulder kindly before turning and walking towards Kei instead.

“Thanks for waiting, Tsukki!”

“Hmph.”

Yamaguchi doesn’t really seem to care about the blatant disinterest, summarizing his previous talk without Tsukishima asking for it. His gaze is a melancholic one, as he talks about the confession and the way he had to say no to the light-haired wing spiker of the girls’ volleyball team (she _had_ been called Hui after all).

Cold fury builds in Tsukishima’s stomach at the pointless questions Tadashi shoots his way. ‘How should _HE_ know whether Yamaguchi made the right decision or not? Maybe Tadashi should ask one of the _amazing_ friends he has, since he’s so willing to cling to them at every opportune moment, except… well… right now. Kei didn’t fucking ask for this conversation at all. He just wants it to stop.’

“So you just friend-zoned her, is that it?”

His aversion for the current topic must finally have shone through, because Yamaguchi’s eyes narrow as he stares up at Tsukishima. He clicks his tongue at the middle blocker’s tone, before stating: “You know, sometimes you can be kind of a bitch, Tsukki. And anyway, you should stop using the term ‘friend-zoned’ in general. It’s bullshit. Start calling it ‘unrequited love’ again – it’s nothing more and nothing less.”

“I’m sure that that’s how she saw it too.”

For maybe the first time in his life, Kei’s mouth moves faster than his brain. ‘WHAT _THE FUCK_ is he doing?! He doesn’t care for Hui one bit. In fact, he’d rather not have her around at all.’ Especially if her plan is to sit on Yamaguchi’s lap at every lunch break and suck even more of his attention away. Kei should have just shut up. Maybe.

This last thought seems to mirror Yamaguchi’s thought pattern, if his expression is anything to go by. Kei fights to keep his face impassive – a careful shield that shouldn’t let any of his doubts shine through. He just stands there as Tadashi’s frown deepens, waiting for the rant that’s sure to follow.

“Don't treat _me_ like I'm the villain in this? It’s not like I _want_ to hurt her? I don’t take any joy out of rejecting her like this, but what do you even want me to say? I’m not going to fake that I like someone. And by the way, Hui knows that whether or not we’re friends has nothing to do with this.”

Kei’s face keeps betraying his better judgement; his brow lifting slowly in response to his friend’s heated words. The reaction only seems to fuel Yamaguchi more.

“Friendship is NOT a punishment and your ‘friend zone’ makes it sound like one. Hui isn’t the only one who feels bad about all this. It’s just two people not feeling the same way about each other. Stop _looking_ at me like that. I feel just as bad as she does – I don’t want this to affect our friendship at all, even though I know she can’t help it.”

They’re near the school gates when the pinnacle of Tsukishima’s idiocy makes itself known in the form of a last comment. It’s so quiet, more of a long derisive breath than clear words, but still Tadashi hears him.

“I’d never make a mistake like that.”

A beat of silence, and then…

“Yeah, that’s true, Tsukki. You’d never give anyone a chance to get close enough and like you like that in the first place.”

* _CRACK_ *

Slowly, oh so slowly, Tsukishima looks down. It doesn’t surprise him to see that a layer of ice has replaced the ground they were walking on. A layer of ice which is now splintering beneath his feet, causing Kei’s knees to wobble awkwardly as he tries to keep his balance and not move too much at the same time. He slowly tries to crouch down, planning to slide over to a more secure spot as the ice keeps cracking more and more beneath him. When he lifts his head again, though, the ice is _everywhere_ around him. It’s like standing inside an enormous hollow ice cube.

One more panicked breath is all he gets before the ice flooring splinters, plunging him in the freezing depths below.

He tries to swim up at once, his clothes and shoes heavy and dragging him down as he struggles against the tides. He reaches the surface – numbs fists pounding against the layer of fresh ice already covering the hole he fell through. It’s on his seventh hit, Kei’s movements slowing down from lack of air and the pull of the water, that the whirlwind appears – dancing on top of the ice before sinking right through and covering Tsukishima’s body.

All in all, it didn’t take as long as the previous time to be transported to his bedroom. And, in juxtaposition to the days before, his body still feels the consequences of these last events _very much_ when he lands on the wooden floor.

Kei heaves, sopping wet and freezing as he gropes around angrily in search of his glasses.

He gives up on trying to dry them on his clothes, shaking his glasses a little before pushing them up the bridge of his nose and blinking quickly in his attempts to see through the thick drops still covering the glass. He’s met with the bleary form of Kuroo, who stares at him curiously from where he’s perched at the end of Kei’s bed.

“Interesting. I thought humans usually bathed undressed.”

He cackles at Tsukishima’s curses as the blond reaches with trembling hands for his wardrobe, in search for the warmest of his pyjamas.

He starts talking when Kuroo switches from laughing to contemplating Kei’s sleeping wear choices in summer.

“It’s autumn.” He bites out, and thick raindrops instantly start to clatter down on the roof, filling the room with the calming rush of rain. A Sudden wind picks up outside, creating a wild whooshing sound that wasn’t there before.

Kuroo flicks his tail.

“Whatever you say, Tsukki.”

He doesn’t say anything else, he just gazes at Kei with that all too perceptive stare of his. And Tsukishima ignores him, like usual. Or at least he tries to, until suddenly, like the breaking of a dam, it’s too much – the urge to let the truth explode outwards too great to hold back. The room starts to narrow down – dark amber cat eyes at its center. And Kei has had too much of this. So he talks.

At the end of his story, Kuroo is regarding him with an entirely different expression than before. Kei can’t really place it. It’s almost… disappointed? But that makes no sense. Kuroo has always seemed to _get_ Tsukishima’s thoughts and behaviour before. He’ll get it this time as well.

“Well… We can all agree that that was quite stupid of you, can’t we?”

“W-” Kei chokes on his own words in his indignation. “What?!”

Kuroo doesn’t so much as twitch at Kei’s yelling – a serious expression on his feline face as he admonishes Tsukishima like he’s some sort of disobedient toddler.

“Common Kei, _think_. I can’t spell everything out for you, can I? Humans don’t learn well if you just _tell them_ all the answers. Some things you need to find out for yourself. Go over the things you did wrong – you can talk to me about it, if you want? I think it’ll be good for you.”

“Stop talking crap! I didn’t _do_ anything wrong!”

They both know that he’s lying, but Kei doesn’t care. He doesn’t owe Kuroo anything, least of all to confess all of his insecurities only to have them then pushed back into his own face.

Tsukishima turns away from Kuroo, trying his hardest to keep his calm. He feels like one more word will fill him with enough negative energy to make his room explode. Maybe he should. That might be one of the only things that’ll end all this. He turns to the tiny sink that has appeared on his right wall, reaching the porcelain edge in two steps, his hands clenching the cool surface.

“Do I look like a coward to you?”

For a second, it’s unclear whether he’s talking to Kuroo or to himself. The mirror is void of confused yellow eyes staring back at him in agitation. Instead, he sees a broad back covered in pastel-coloured pyjamas and a blond head that is bowed forwards – away from Kei, the black temples of his own glasses just visible over the edge of his ears. Kei bites his tongue – copper filling his mouth as he tries not to scream as even his own fucking reflection turns away from him.

The cat on his bed refuses to look at Tsukishima when he answers.

“I didn’t take you for a coward, Tsukki, but you’re right – maybe that is what you are.” For a second, Kei thinks that’s the end of things, but then Kuroo follows it up with: “What is it? Are you too scared to even _consider_ the fact that you may be wrong about… certain things?”

Tsukishima’s anger grows stronger with every new sentence that leaves Kuroo’s mouth. He resorts to balling his fists, hiding the fact that they’re trembling, and refuses to answer – unwilling to give the creature even more leverage against him. His fingers twitch as the books on the shelf next to him start to tremble, slowly falling down one by one – like big, paged domino blocks.

Kuroo either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care about Kei’s growing instability. Even Tsukishima himself can’t explain why he’s so upset. He just is. Even the relaxed swing of Kuroo’s tail is starting to get on his nerves.

“Whatever Yamaguchi does is _his_ business. I don’t care about the stupid confessions or friend zones. I never have.”

It’s at that moment that Kuroo makes a mistake.

Call it an overestimation of their friendship, or just a bad estimation of the level of anger Tsukishima is currently feeling – but either way, the end result is the same.

“Suuuure, you don’t care. Tell me, do you always shut your eyes to avoid seeing the truths you can’t handle?”

The book is thrown across the room before Tsukishima consciously formed the plan to grab one – sailing in Kuroo’s direction at a speed that is as explosive as Kei’s anger.

It hits him straight between the eyes before the cat can even blink, let alone move. Kei’s chest heaves and he gasps for breath as he watches Kuroo disappear; the giant cat’s body imploding into a ball of black dust – a sigh of wind rustling the curtains before everything settles down again. Tsukishima doesn’t need to check his surroundings to know that the other boy… cat is gone. He feels better for approximately 10 seconds before regret crashes into him with a vengeance, making him feel even shittier than before.

“Kuroo?” he croaks, hoping with a wild moment that the talkative cat will reform out of thin air (or out of the dust on the floor, Kei isn’t picky). It’s pointless though. Despite his instant regret, Tsukishima is 100% certain that his friend won’t come back. He doesn’t fully get how he knows this, he just _does_.

_‘Well, at least you can deal with this all on your own now, just the way you wanted,’_ a bitter voice in the back of his mind supplies.

‘Yeah. Just like I wanted.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO SORRY, Kuroo, Baby 😭😭😭❤️  
> For all the people who worry about him - It's truly not /that/ bad - Kenma will comfort him and make up for it more than enough :p (and then he'll kick his paws against Kuroo's face and tell him to stop complaining)
> 
> Please fuel my feedback-cravings with your comments! :D  
> I hope you all have a great week and stay safe!


	4. Like broken glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Suga shakes his head, ignoring the unusual rudeness in Tsukishima’s tone before continuing: “You’ve been acting like a personified lemon for a while now, and it’s starting to weigh down the team. Cheer up, will you.”_
> 
> _Tsukishima stares at the grin of his senpai – the effect even more blinding compared to the way Daichi is glaring sternly at him from a couple of meters away, like he knows what Kei is thinking. Tsukishima shivers lightly, deciding to swallow his comments on where Sugawara could put his lemons."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I turn 25 this weekend! :D And since I can't really share a birthday cake with you all, because of things like social distancing (and the fact that many of you live on the other side of the earth, but that's beside the point) - I decided you treat you to a chapter that is twice the length of the other ones. I hope you all enjoy! ;)
> 
> My inspiration for the 4th chapter was [’Jealous Sea’ by Meg Myers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5iBlwXp4lk).  
>  I want to thank my dearest Falka-san for sharing this song with me! It has had an enormous impact and really helped me create this fic. I've been waiting for a long time to use this in my writing, so I hope you like it! ^^
> 
> _**"And I don't think I can stop the jealousy** _  
>  _**When it comes, it comes like waves and I can't breathe** _  
>  _**And I don't think I can stop the jealousy** _  
>  _**When it runs, it runs like lightning through my teeth"** _

The confession thing doesn’t get any easier as time moves on. It’s like every available girl on the planet has decided that calling out to Tsukishima to start debating on whether or not they should confess to Yamaguchi is the best idea _ever._ He’s currently trying to feign interest in the story of ‘the newest hopeful’. She’s shy and sweet – a bit like Yachi, but with black curls instead of blonde. He wonders if Yamaguchi prefers blondes.

Maybe he would have been able to calm down and feel a little sympathy for the girl’s story if he wasn’t trying to repress the urge to gasp for air every couple of seconds. It’s like their stories filter the oxygen out of the air – and Kei has a hard time not looking like he’s choking whenever he listens to one of them talk. Even while this one is gushing about her feelings, another girl is talking to Tadashi behind the gym.

*

Over time, it feels less like a regular lack of oxygen and more like drowning. Kei had denied it at first, stubbornly ignoring the way jealousy crashes over him each time his friend disappears with another admirer. All the while he just has to sit there and wait to see whether Yamaguchi would return each time, waves of envy rising higher and higher with each breath he takes.

Tsukishima’s breathing accelerates as imaginary tides try to drag him down – the girl in front of him more of a blurry shadow as he focusses on taking in deep breaths and looking normal at the same time. He’s busy loosening his school tie in an effort to breathe more easily when the girl (he doesn’t know nor care for her name) interrupts him again – clearly worried that Kei hadn’t heard her describe how cute Yamaguchi’s small freckle at the end of his left eyebrow is. His mouth twitches downwards, nearly growing into a grimace, but the girl looks relieved – clearly misinterpreting his expression of nauseous distaste as a smile.

“And so I was saying that-”

Even after all this crap she told him, she’s still debating whether or not she should go to Tadashi with all this. Kei is trying his best not to give in to his instincts and throw her out the window.

_‘Breathe. Ignore her whining. In… Out… In…’_

The tree behind him starts to rustle, and Tsukishima curls his shoulders forward, trying to remain focussed.

_‘Breathe. There’s no water here. No jealousy. Breathe. There’s no waves around you.’_

The rustling noise picks up again. Nameless-chan keeps on babbling.

_‘Breathe. He’ll be back.’_

“Do you think I should just ask him on a date? No, maybe that’s too quick… Should I just try and talk to him? No, maybe that’s a bit too vague… But what should we even talk about? What do you think, Tsukishima-kun?”

_‘Her dumb face is the last drop. Should I just push her aside to shut her up? Possibly. Sounds rational enough. There’s no way she can catch up to me, I’ll be too far away before she can even try to restart whining.’_

The rustling behind him becomes even louder, and Tsukishima just started turning around to see what is causing the ruckus when a soft hooting drifts from the tree behind him, freezing him into place.

“Hey hey heeeey…”

“Oh no. Oh God, please, no.”

"What?" The girl is staring at him in confusion. "So you don't think I should try and talk to him?"

The owl hoots again, and to Tsukishima it sounds suspiciously like sniggering.

The girl in front of him trembles – a distortion causing her image to flicker, much like a faulty computer screen. “So you don’t think I should try and talk to him?”

Her hands are the next place to flicker, but instead of reverting back to a solid image, parts of her fingertips start to melt and fall down. “Don’t you? Don’t you think so, Tsukishima-kun?”

Tsukishima watches on in horror as water starts to seep from her hands, liquefied fingers flowing into a steady stream as he stares at the way it pools around his feet. It doesn’t take long for him to realize that the water solely surrounds _him,_ and him alone. It rises up around his body like Kei is inside of some weird kind of glass that gets filled from the bottom up. It’s already flooding his shoes, creating tiny ripples as it rises. He doesn’t wait for instructions as he turns and calls out to a self-proclaimed friend whom he’d much rather avoid if given the chance. Despite this, Kei isn’t above begging if it’ll get him away from being doused in ice water again, even if the temperature of the sea rising around him is much more tolerable than the frozen lake was.

“So you don’t think I should try and talk to him, _Tsukki?”_ the girl behind him echoes.

“Bokuto-san, help me!”

Two large yellow eyes peer at him from underneath some branches.

“Hey hey hey, Kei! What is it that you want?”

Despite everything going on right now, Tsukishima scowls. “You can fucking _see_ what’s going on. And don’t use my first name like that. Get me out of here! Now!”

“… Please, Bokuto-san.” The panic in his voice must be obvious, because Bokuto drops his previously teasing tone and moves forward at once.

Having been exposed to Kuroo’s form before, Kei isn’t that surprised when a big horned owl steps out of the shadows, moving awkwardly sideways on a large tree branch. It’s as if the tree predicts Bokuto’s every movement, for the branch grows faster than anything Tsukishima has ever seen; strong fresh wood and green leaves sprouting wherever Bokuto’s claws land next.

Kei tries not to tremble as the seawater steadily rises from his knees to the upper part of his thighs. Bokuto is close now – his feathery body only a couple of centimetres away when he stops and cocks his head. It’s so typically owl-like that Kei wonders if it’s the owl’s nature influencing Bokuto, or Bokuto’s regular weird-ass behaviour influencing this owl’s body.

“Where is it you want to go?” Bokuto asks kindly, like they’re just having a calm conversation in the park instead of trying to save Kei from imminent drowning.

“Anywhere! I don’t care, just make it so that I’m not stuck here anymore. Please.”

Bright yellow eyes blink at Tsukishima as the owl considers his words.

“Does that mean that you wish to move forward?”

“What?”

Tsukishima is so shocked by the formal tone Bokuto suddenly uses that he forgets about his predicament for a second. “Look, I don’t have time for this! Help me out of here!”

“You do wish to move forward?”

“Fuckin- Yes! I wish to move forward!”

Bokuto nods to himself, clearly content with Tsukishima’s answer, and bows forward. The water, as well as the glass, melt away from his touch – evaporating before he can touch any of them. Kei wants to stretch out his arm and reach Bokuto, so his senpai can… Well, whatever it is that’s he’s about to do so that Kei can get out of here. But the glass tube is so narrow that it’s impossible to get his elbows any higher than midway his ribs.

It seems that Bokuto has already considered this problem, because he stretches out his neck and harshly pecks Kei on the nose.

There’s half a second of bewilderment before Kei feels the sting dig deep into his skin. “Hey! What the fuck are you doing?! What was _that_ for?!”

Bokuto doesn’t answer, he simply cackles – his chest swelling more and more the longer he laughs. The growing doesn’t stop when the cackles turn into little hiccups of laughter, and Tsukishima gazes on, frozen in the tube thing, as Bokuto’s wings stretch, longer than Kei’s whole body at this point. All in all, the whole ‘growing thing’ takes less than a minute.

“Now then,-” Bokuto shouts, his casual tone back like it never left, “-are you ready to move forward!?” The tree creaks in protest, unable to contain the shifting weight of the enthusiastic owl who keeps wiggling from side to side.

“Yes!”

Tsukishima’s hair waves back from his forehead by the massive gust of wind that comes with Bokuto rearing back his wings. He watches as the bird rises and turns until he hovers right above Kei’s head.

“I can’t hold on to you!” Tsukishima bellows, trying to be heard over the sound of giant wings flapping.

“Oya oya! No problem Tsukki.”

Tsukishima very much _does_ have a problem with the way Bokuto’s body suddenly moves down – long and razor-sharp claws dangling next to his head as the owl moves to hold on to Tsukishima and lift him up. He eventually decides on the combination of Kei’s shoulders and upper arms as an anchor point, lifting him out of the tube as gently as possible. Despite all expectations, this doesn’t really hurt, even though there’s a swift and uncomfortable stretch in his back when his feet start to leave the floor. His pants automatically dry when he exists the tube, not even a single drop sticking to the fabric as he leaves the continuously sloshing water – so at least he has that going for him.

They leave the mumbling girl behind as they rise up and up until Kei suddenly realizes how _very dead_ he’ll be if Bokuto accidentally drops him. After that, he keeps his gaze fixed on the claws holding his shoulders. Just in case.

At Tsukishima’s instructions, Bokuto flies them to the roof of the largest school building, letting the middle blocker down as gently as he picked him up.

“Thank you, Bokuto-senpai.”

“Ahahah! Don’t worry about it, Tsukki, I’m the greatest after all!”

Tsukishima is still so unsettled about the imagery of seeing an owl laugh that he ignores the pun’s stupidity, turning his back to his companion and looking out over the school grounds. He can hear the rustling of feathers behind him, and when Bokuto enters his field of vision again, he’s back to his previous size.

“So. What’s up, Tsukki?”

Tsukishima sighs. Again.

“Are you okay? Are you going back on your word? Tsukki? Tsukiiiiiii? TSUK-!”

“Please stop, Bokuto-san!”

Bokuto had only agreed with letting him down if Tsukishima gave his word that he’d share at least _some_ of the things that bothered him.

“What’s there to worry about? I won’t tell anyone! I mean, at least not any humans, and those are the ones that matter to you, right?”

“That truly gives me a boost of confidence, Bokuto-san.”

“You’re welcome!”

Bokuto ignores the dead-eyed stare in his direction, hopping forwards a little so he can stare up at Tsukishima’s face better.

“It’s not like I don’t know what’s up already. You talked about it plenty with Tetsurou, so why not talk to me too?”

Disappointment mixed with rage peaks quickly in Tsukishima’s chest. “So he _told_ you? I didn’t think… No, of course he did. Why _wouldn’t_ he tell everyone he meets? It’s not like it’s a private matter or anything. Keeping secrets to yourself would be stupid.”

Bokuto’s expression goes strangely neutral. “’Kinda hard to do that when your mate can read minds.”

“’s that so?” Tsukishima feels a sudden rush of relief that it’s _Bokuto_ who’s bothering him today, instead of Kenma. No matter how quiet the setter is, Kei isn’t the slightest bit okay with the idea of sharing even his general feelings with that many people at the moment, let alone every single one of his thoughts. “But he chose to share it with you too, then? So that’s the same thing.”

“Kenma… He… You know, that’s not how it works, exactly”, Bokuto mutters.

“Why hasn’t Kenma visited, then? If you want to know so bad. He would figure it out whether I want to tell you or not.”

“You don’t _need_ Kenma right now”, Bokuto says decidedly. “Otherwise he would have come.” Tsukishima frowns at that response, but decides to let it rest, crouching down and settling on the floor so he can be on more of an equal height with Bokuto while talking.

Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to confide in Bokuto. It’d keep the owl in high spirits, and Kei will need him later to get off the roof again. And even if Kuroo’s (not so voluntary) betrayal of his trust hurts, he _did_ feel better whenever he shared his thoughts with the cat. Maybe sharing with Bokuto will feel the same. And they’re out of sight now, anyway. No one will notice. No one can hear them. This may be one of the best places to have a conversation like that.

Tsukishima bites the inside of his cheek and acts like he hadn't made up his mind the second the owl asked him if he was okay. Bokuto stares up at him in silence, patient for a change.

Kei takes a deep inhale, jumping into it at once so he doesn’t lose his nerve. Even though he was upset at Kuroo telling the others about his secrets two minutes ago, he now finds it pleasant, because he doesn’t need to fill Bokuto in on things from the very beginning.

It feels like he’s been talking for ages, but in the end it can’t have taken more than half an hour before Kei has finished telling Bokuto everything, his chest heaving a little as he waits for a response. The owl was been unexpectedly quiet during Kei’s story – wide eyes not straying from Tsukishima’s face for even a second. He does seem to get his energy back while he mulls over his response, hooting softly while mumbling to himself. Kei is relieved that he’s reverting back to his normal behaviour – the quiet patience was starting to creep him out.

“Soooo… What’s the thing that bothers you most, then?”

“What? I just told you all of it?”

“Yeah, well,” Bokuto’s wing makes a weird movement, and Tsukishima thinks the older boy might have tried to scratch his head, forgetful about the fact that he isn’t in human form right now. “You kinda said a lot of things.”

He makes a weird clucking sound at Tsukishima’s glare. “So it’s the waiting, then? That bothers you?”

“I mean… Yeah, it kind of does. But it’s not like that’s the-”

“But shouldn’t you like that more? Isn’t it… Doesn’t it make it less uncomfortable if you’re able to just wait it out, and have him return without needing to listen to every single confession. Isn’t it more pleasant this way?”

Tsukishima exhales through his nose.

“It’s about as pleasant as eating broken glass.”

He expected Bokuto to have more questions, but the owl simply stares at him, waiting for him to go on.

“You act like I know for sure what he’s going to say. But that isn’t the case at all – I never do.”

“Right. And how often has this happened, then? That you need to wait before walking home together?”

“This year? 38 times.”

The swiftness of his answer surprises Tsukishima just as much as it does Bokuto. Thinking back on the past couple of days, Kei _knows_ that this is the first week in his life that he’s experiencing these things. But at the same time, something instinctive tells him that his answer was the correct one with such urgency that it simply _has_ to be true.

“Why don’t you just talk it over with him? Hey hey! Don’t scoff at me! Aren’t you supposed to be the rational one? You know that talking to the person who’s upsetting you is the most logical step, right?”

“I don’t know if… It’s not necessary. I can deal with it.”

The sentence he almost let out was ‘I don’t know if Yamaguchi cares enough about it.’ But that can’t be true, right? Even if Tsukishima gets rejected nearly every time he reaches out these days, he knows Tadashi cares about him. Stating something different is simply laughable. But then why does he feel this way?

They forgo mentioning the other reason Tsukishima might not want to talk to Yamaguchi about this particular subject. Kei doesn’t want to say it out loud – it’d just make things more real, and he doesn’t need that extra anxiety at all, at the moment. He has to admit that he’s a little surprised at Bokuto holding back too. The owl refused to bring it up at any point in the conversation – dancing around the admission so artfully that Tsukishima is sure Bokuto _must_ know what’s up, or at the very least have a hunch. The fact that he didn’t expect the owl to go along with avoiding the origin of Kei’s discomfort, without him having to even do so much as _ask,_ doesn’t help diminish the lump of gratefulness that’s currently stuck in the back of his throat.

“Anyway – how long do you wish to be here, Tsukki? You’re not in the same place anymore, but you won’t move forward just by standing around.”

Kei glances down at his watch, where the clock face has gone insane.

The display is nearly invisible because of the speed with which the clock arrows fly across the metal background. Just when he’s decided to tell Bokuto that it’s impossible to tell the time at the moment, or make any decisions about leaving, the large arrow starts to slow down, followed shortly after by the smaller one. He isn’t surprised when their final position indicates that practice is about to start in 15 minutes.

“Can you please take me to the gym, Bokuto-san?”

The change of Bokuto’s growth doesn’t freak Tsukishima out as much the second time, now that he knows what to expect. He does wonder what is worse; being carried by his senpai’s claws and scared that he’ll fall to his death, or having to hold on to the horned owl’s neck – the inside of his knees pressed against the joints where Bokuto’s wings are attached to his back, causing an uncomfortable shock to course through Tsukishima’s legs every time the wings flap. He can hear Bokuto hoot in ecstasy as they soar through the air and tries to concentrate on the high of the flight itself, instead of cursing about the plumage trying to fight its way into Tsukishima’s mouth whenever he wants to hide his face and shield himself from the buildings down below.

*

As expected, Yamaguchi hasn’t realised that he was gone for as long as he was, greeting him with nothing but a wave when Tsukishima enters the club room. Then again, no one really notices anything in this world, so maybe Kei shouldn’t hold him as accountable as he usually would.

He’s slightly surprised to find that he’s actually looking _forward_ to practice. Kei has a hunch about where this feeling may come from, but he pushes it down vigorously, refusing to consider the origin of his reaction too much.

Deciding not to think about it is easier said than done, Kei finds, as he stands at one side of the court and waits for Daichi to start the stretching exercises. His shoulders relax when Yamaguchi automatically moves to stand next to Tsukishima after entering the gym. They don’t talk much during the opening exercises, but it isn’t needed. Tsukishima can feel his presence as a trusted weight besides him. _‘It’s ridiculous how much comfort the proximity of a friend brings’_ , he thinks, as his heartbeat starts to slow down despite the fact that they’re supposed to start running laps now.

Regardless of all the changes that Tsukishima and Yamaguchi’s relationship has gone through, their connection on the court is still as unshakable as ever – a blind trust in each other’s abilities welding the both of them together. There’s also the fact that Yamaguchi is far stronger and more sure of himself in his role as pinch server than Tsukishima is used to. It’s remarkable how much progress he makes the second he stops doubting himself so much. _‘Self-confidence looks good on him.’_ Kei knew that Yamaguchi’s fear was holding him back – restricting his growth, but he never fully realized how small Tadashi’s anxiety has kept him in the past.

He tells Bokuto as much – the last part, that is, while the others were busy putting up the net and tasked him with rolling out the volleyball carts. Kei isn’t worried about his teammates thinking he’s crazy by talking to air. People don’t seem to _not only_ not notice Bokuto – they don’t react when Tsukishima is talking to him either. It’s like the two of them communicate on an entirely different plane of existence whenever they interact. Tsukishima considers himself lucky that this is the case, for Bokuto follows him everywhere he goes. It isn’t as annoying as he expected it to be, because the horned owl sleeps a lot, or otherwise is singing or humming to himself – leaving Kei to go about his day (more or less) undisturbed. However, he _has_ vowed to throw one of his shoes to his companion’s feathered forehead if he needs to listen to one more song about the exact shade of Akaashi’s eyes.

The owl has perched on the basketball hoop at one end of the room, wiggling from right to left as his yellow eyes flit from one player to the next. It’s actually thanks to Bokuto’s warning that he doesn’t outright curse at the new visitor entering the gym.

“Oya oya? A new person joins the team!”

Tsukishima is on the brink of asking ‘what bullshit his owl-senpai is spewing now’ when Ukai claps his hands, garnering the attention of the entire team, and points to the boy who has just entered the room.

“Everyone! This is Tsuyima Masahiko. He’s considering joining the team. Let’s give him a good time and show him how it’s done!”

Kei’s ears ring as the entire team cheers their welcome.

This isn’t meant to happen! It doesn’t matter whether Tsuyima is a nice enough guy or not. Volleyball is the _one thing_ Yamaguchi and him have always done together. They don’t need any intruders here! He doesn’t want it. It can’t happen.

 _‘This_ can’t _be real. It’s another vision. Yeah, that must be it.’_

There’s an insistent pressure at the back of his eyes, and he blinks furiously, _willing_ it away. Kei shuts his eyes for a second. Clenching them until he sees coloured spots on the inside of his eyelids, but the ruckus his teammates make never fades and when he opens his eyes, Masahiko is still there. The faint dislike that Kei has been harbouring since they met expands until his chest can’t contain it any longer – rushing out the second his classmate dares to set one foot on the court. The pressure behind Kei’s eyes is growing stronger as his panic increases. The difference between the way he _wants_ to behave and the way he’s feeling right now is jarring.

“Thank you so much, guys! I always thought volleyball was really cool and when Tadashi asked if I-”

The rest of his sentence goes unheard as all the windows around the gym _explode_ inwards with a shrieking crash. Tsukishima yells in surprise, and as if on command, all the tiny pieces of glass come to a halt in mid-air. The other players don’t react, as per usual, as they keep staring at Tsuyima. The boy’s mouth is moving – and Tsukishima can see Tanaka’s chest shake with laughter at whatever he’s saying, but Kei doesn’t hear anything. It’s like all sound has stopped – the soundwaves frozen in mid-air, together with the little glass knives that were so close to raining down on them.

He stands up straight again; arms lowering from where they were protecting his face, and looks around him. The glass glitters like diamonds in the bright lights, hanging around like the world’s most dangerous confetti – glittering and razor sharp. The tiny pieces don’t fall down any further. They actually don’t move much at all, simply turning slowly – like a giant glass mobile without any wires.

Kei checks on his teammates quickly, but none of them seem to have been hit or cut by the glass. At last, his eyes turn to Yamaguchi, leading him to recollect a stunning revelation that he has been trying to push out of his mind for about a week now.

Yamaguchi is unreadable. It’s like his freckled face has become a mask, but one for Tsukishima alone. He lets himself stare at the brunette, knowing that the other boy won’t turn to look at him anyway. Or maybe it isn’t Yamaguchi… Maybe it’s Kei himself who’s gotten blind to the emotions Tadashi constantly bears in his features – visible to anyone who stands and watches him blink, or notices the dimple in his cheek. Tsukishima knew how to read Yamaguchi since the first time they met. It wasn’t hard, at first, and even if Yamaguchi shielded himself more when they grew up, he never did so with Kei. Tsukishima always got through. At least he thought he did… Tadashi’s values and most of his behaviour is still the same as it’s always been. It’s still visible, but it’s like staring at a text in a language long forgotten. Something you feel in your bones – something you used to understand and speak as fluently as your mother tongue, but now feels foreign and lost.

He watches as the glass shards surrounding Yamaguchi slowly turns around their axis, spiralling up to the ceiling. It’s like he’s standing in the slowest typhoon ever, but a glittering one.

Tadashi looks… Stunning. Now _this,_ Tsukishima has known for a while, but it’s another thing to be pushed into the fact with your eyes wide open, no time or possibility to ignore it and act like the truth of it isn’t right there, in front of him, staring him in the face. The light filters through the glass particles, highlighting Tadashi’s face in an entirely unexpected (but therefore not unwelcome) way. He shines. Even more so than usual.

It’s not like it matters. Even if Kei wanted to do something with this new information, their relationship recently feels as splintered as the shards rotating slowly in front of their faces. Tsukishima sneers as he follows Yamaguchi’s line of sight to what’s probably going to be their new _teammate_. He doesn’t even know if he’s sneering at himself, Tadashi or just the rest of the team in general. He doesn’t care.

“Pathetic.”

It’s as if the glass pieces have been waiting on his command – flying back to the walls the second the word leaves Tsukishima’s lips in a sigh. They zoom backwards serenely – all of them soundlessly clicking back together until they’re plates of smooth glass again.

Sound swells around him, making Tsukishima take a step back in alarm until he realizes it’s simply the voices of his teammates going back to their usual volume. While the wave of voices and laughter of the others washes over him, Masahiko is still bashfully waiting in front of the group as Ukai starts to introduce everyone.

Tsukishima looks on in silence. His ears are still faintly ringing from the abrupt return of noisiness. His body feels like it’s made out of concrete as he watches Yamaguchi step forwards, ready to go help his friend feel more at home in their club. He glances at Kei while passing, obviously hinting at him to come with and make Tsuyima feel more at ease, but Kei stays where he is – his limbs unmovable as a statue – and Tadashi walks forwards alone.

*

“ _Ow!_ ”

Practice is almost at its end, and Kei has been absolute shit at every exercise. Still, he doesn’t think he deserves to be karate-chopped in his side – unaware as he was of the lurking danger before it struck him.

He’s still caressing the sore spot beneath his ribs as the turns and glowers down at Suga. The latter isn’t impressed.

“It’s been enough. Time to snap out of it, Tsukishima.”

“Out of what?”

Suga shakes his head, ignoring the unusual rudeness in Tsukishima’s tone before continuing: “You’ve been acting like a personified lemon for a while now, and it’s starting to weigh down the team. Cheer up, will you.”

Tsukishima stares at the grin of his senpai – the effect even more blinding compared to the way Daichi is glaring sternly at him from a couple of meters away, like he knows what Kei is thinking. Tsukishima shivers lightly, deciding to swallow his comments on where Sugawara could put his lemons. He shrugs instead.

“Look…” Sugawara sighs. “I know sometimes there are things outside of practice that affect your behaviour here, but please try to not let it overshadow the progress you’ve made within the team. ‘kay?”

Tsukishima clenches his jaw, forcing himself to send the tiniest nod to Suga before turning, more than done with this conversation. He ducks to pick up a stray volleyball, but is stopped by a hand on his shoulder before he can walk away – Sugawara dancing around him until he’s looking him in the face again. The grin is gone. His cheery demeanor too.

“I’m being serious here.”

Kei’s fingers dig into the leather surface of the ball he’s still holding. “Yes.”

This finally pulls a worried frown out of Sugawara, his senpai taking him by the wrist and dragging him off to the side of the room, where they can’t be as easily overheard. “You can always tell me what’s up, you know. I won’t tell the others, not even Daichi, unless it’s really urgent or you’re in danger.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Yes…” Suga nods thoughtfully, “I’m sure that’s why you almost blew Hinata’s head off with that last spike.”

Tsukishima nearly grins at the memory of Hinata’s insulted shrieking, countered by Kageyama’s cries that he should’ve been more attentive. The urge to grin makes way for nausea as he remembers why he was angry enough to spike proverbial holes through the floor in the first place.

“It’s really nothing, senpai. You don’t need to worry about it.”

Suga huffs, clearly sensing that’s not all there is to the situation, but unwilling to push too far. “Okay then. But please try not kill any teammates by spiking, will you? And if there’s something you want to discuss, you can always come and talk to me.”

Kei nods, already knowing he won’t ever do that. Sugawara’s empty smile reveals that he knows it too. “Anyway. Tone it down, will you? Give others the benefit of the doubt, once in a while.” He turns his back to Tsukishima as he starts to head back to the rest of the team, thankfully so – ‘cause now he’s unable to see the dumbstruck expression on Kei’s face.

“We’ll have to form a duo if you keep up behaving like this – _Suga ‘n Salt_ , what do you think?”

Suga ducks before the volleyball can hit the back of his head – sending it sailing across the room and bounce off the wall behind them. Kei doesn’t know what’s scarier at this point. Daichi’s dark expression or Suga’s wide grin.

Twenty penalty laps around the building later, he’s still unsure.

*

“… You know, I don’t think that that will work for much longer, Tsukki.”

“What?” Tsukishima’s groan rises up from the middle of the pillow that he had just pressed his face into when he fell face-first onto his bed. He isn’t planning on moving any time soon, and is currently busying himself by trying his hardest to forget that Bokuto exists. To forget that _the world in general_ exists, really.

“Ignoring reality. And the way you feel about it specifically.”

“I’m not ignoring reality.” _‘Simply trying to forget that it exists.’_

Bokuto snorts from a place behind him, and the sound almost makes Tsukishima lift his head from his pillow of out curiosity. _‘How does a bird snort like that anyway?’_

“This would go a lot easier if you weren’t currently trying to sink into your mattress, you know.”

A couple of minutes pass in silence, and Tsukishima’s hope that Bokuto has simply given up on the conversation vanishes when a soft whooshing sound flows through the air, followed by the sensation of sharp nails landing on his back – their sting easily piercing through the thin fabric of his shirt. Tsukishima cringes, but remains laying face-down. It’s only when the claws begin pinching his skin more and more that he starts to twitch – shaking his back a little so Bokuto will get off.

“Cut it out!”

Kei jerks violently as a claw cuts through his shirt and patience alike, and Bokuto tumbles down from where he was perched on his back.

“What the fuck did you do that for?” Kei hisses, glaring at Bokuto.

“Hey hey hey! There we go! Constantly refusing conversation can be very impolite, you know?”

“You could’ve just asked me, you fucker.”

Bokuto ignores the insults, going on at the same merry tone as before: “And you’d have listened~?”

“Whatever.”

“Help me up again, Tsukki.

“No.”

“Come oooooooon.”

Tsukishima stares back, stone-faced. His determination lasts for all of 3 seconds when he sees Bokuto fill his lungs with a large gulp of air – ready to bellow out his demands for help, leading Kei to quickly stretch out his legs so the owl can use them to climb up on the bed. He cringes at the feeling of claws grasping onto his jeans as Bokuto hobbles upwards until he reaches the edge of the bed, flopping down onto the covers. It’s a crisis averted – Bokuto’s owl screech is at least as loud as normal Bokuto’s shouts, but a lot higher.

“Listen. Tsukki. I know you don’t want to talk about this, and you don’t _have_ to share anything with me, but I still want you to listen to what I’m about to say regardless.”

Tsukki nods. He doesn’t really care about the fact that he’s about to be lectured by Bokuto of all people, as long as he isn’t forced into any more confessions himself. That relief vanishes quickly as he starts to realize what exactly Bokuto wants to talk about.

“You know… I’m kind of an emotional guy.”

Now it’s Kei’s turn to snort, his neutral expression twisting into one of derision one as he looks down on the monologuing owl without interrupting. Bokuto ignores the reaction.

“-so I know what I’m talking about when I say what I’m about to say next. I know you don’t really like sharing your emotions, but I really want you to try and focus on introspection.”

“No, really!”, he says, as Tsukishima can’t hold in his disapproving huff this time. 

“Why don’t you let yourself feel? Really _feel,_ I mean? Just… Concentrate on nothing else. On focus on whatever is brewing inside – and let it take over. You’ll feel better afterwards, I promise.”

“No thanks.”

“What?”

“You sound like some toddler book trying to teach little children how to interpret whether they’re being a little bitch about not getting any candy, or if they’re truly sad.”

Tsukishima has never seen an owl look as stern as the one in front of him is doing right now. It would be funny as hell if he weren’t as annoyed by the topic of their conversation as he currently is.

“I’m not kidding, man. I might not always be the most stable guy, emotion wise – but I think that I’m still in a far better place than where you’re at, if I may say so myself. _You_ seem to block out any emotion at all that doesn’t suit you. You need to learn to feel your emotions before you can learn how to work with them. Trying to push them away forever is pointless – in the end it’ll do you more harm than good.”

Tsukishima doesn’t feel the intense need to roll his eyes the way he did at the start of their conversation, but he is getting more and more uncomfortable with where this is headed.

“Do you trust me, Tsukishima?”

“I-” Kei starts, not knowing what he’s about to say.

Bokuto interrupts him before he can fully respond. “We don’t have to be the best of friends. I simply need you to know that I have your best interests at heart. And even if you can’t agree with that thought – that you trust me to be honest and mean well. So do you?”

“I-“ Tsukishima stutters in the middle of his sentence for the second time, surprising himself with his own honesty. He was about to say that he trusts Bokuto. And it would’ve been true. Despite Bokuto’s childish and often headache-inducing behaviour, he isn’t stupid. Kei knows that his senpai _knows_ what he’s talking about, but that doesn’t mean that he likes to admit it. He doesn’t know if he’s ready for the implications that would bring. If he agrees with Bokuto’s statement, then he needs to listen to the second part as well – and that’s…

Judging from Bokuto’s expression, he understands what Tsukishima means well enough, even when he doesn’t complete his sentence. The owl nods to himself, before continuing: “You’re so good at ‘holding back’ that you’re standing in the way of processing your own emotions. _Feeling_ _things_ isn’t something to be ashamed of – it’s what makes us human.”

“I don’t really want to”, Tsukishima says, bewildered that he’s getting a verbal lashing about being human from an _owl._

Bokuto cocks his head, but doesn’t reply as he waits for Tsukishima to clarify his statement. “It’ll feel… I don’t think it’ll be a positive thing. It’s going to hurt, I think.”

“But that’s exactly how you work through it – by letting it flow through you instead of building a dam that’ll ultimately crack in the end? You’ll get over it – you just have to let yourself be dramatic first.”

He seems to sense that Kei is lingering at the edge of a metaphorical cliff, causing him to gleefully give that last needed push. “What is it that you’re afraid of? What is it that you think would hurt you?”

“It’s… nothing.”

“You don’t protect your heart by acting like you don’t have one, Tsukki. Emotions want to be heard. Bottling them up will just lead you to be crushed by their weight eventually – and I’d rather not have that happen to a friend of mine.”

Tsukishima laughs, shrill and ugly. “I don’t even know how to _do_ the shit that you’re talking about.”

For the first time since he entered Tsukishima’s dreamworld, Bokuto looks a little apprehensive. “I can’t help you do that. You’ll have to do it yourself, man, I’m sorry. But I’ll be here in case you want to talk about it, or not talking is fine too – whatever you want.”

“… just try, Kei?”

And Kei _tries_. It feels like running straight into a concrete wall at first, because subconsciously he knows that there’s a high chance of him disliking where this will go. But Kei isn’t a quitter. He’s been through more emotional roller coasters these past few dream-weeks than he has in years. The one thing that comes close would probably be the moment where he realized his brother had lied to him about playing at Karasuno – and that had been an entirely different kind of heartbreak altogether.

He sits like this for a couple of minutes before realizing that he won’t achieve anything if he keeps going this way. He’s uncomfortably aware of everything around him; the way his pillow pushes into his back, how his thighs press down on his feet and crossed legs, the soft blanket, the way his chest rises as he breathes. It takes him starting to get aware of the amount of times he blinks before he’s had enough of it. He needs a distraction.

“Hey. Hey, Bokuto-san?”

“Mmf?” Bokuto raises his head from where he was cleaning some feathers at the lower end of his right wing.

“Can you talk? For a while?”

Bokuto doesn’t ask any questions. He lights up like he’s been waiting for this order his entire life, and for a second Tsukishima regrets his request, until the owl actually starts to talk. His speech pattern is a little slower than usual, calming, even when he takes on his exaggerated mannerisms. Koutarou starts his stories with a rant about ‘this impolite snake he met recently’, and then just never stops. He jumps from his snake story to a tale about his favorite tree to sleep in, to Akaashi, to his family, to politics, to a weird tv-show he saw when sitting behind Kei’s parents in the living room last night, back to Akaashi…”

Kei lets it all melt into a constant stream of background noise as he refocuses on his earlier intentions. It comes a lot easier this time, memories building slow and then coming faster and faster, like a wave gaining speed as it races to crash over him. Tsukishima doesn’t try to stop the emotions that are racing to him this time, simply allowing them to wash over him. He doesn’t realize at what point he starts to cry, only catching on when the tears have stained his sweater so much that they’re starting to seep through the fabric and wet the skin of his wrists. He takes off his glasses and puts them aside, dulling the world around him where Bokuto is still rambling on. Kei has no doubts that his senpai has noticed him crying, but the owl doesn’t say anything about it as he keeps on describing his latest adventures.

It takes a while before the crying stops. When it does, Tsukishima feels strangely empty. And _bone-tired_.

His cheeks ache, as do his eyes when he presses against the swollen skin with his fingertips, measuring the damage. His throat is a little sore, despite his crying having been near soundless. Bokuto is still talking, but his pace has slowed even more, and he’s watching Kei attentively from where he’s still perched at the end of the bed.

Tsukishima reaches for his glasses before interrupting his senpai in the middle of his description of the ‘perfect tree’ he built his nest in. “Da-” Kei’s mouth is dry, and he coughs before trying again. “Damn it. How long has it been since I cried like this.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t know…” Kei coughs again, ashamed of the scratchiness of his voice, even though somewhere back in his mind he knows that Bokuto is the very last person who’d care about looking like a mess when you’ve just had an emotional breakdown.

“Then, if I may ask – how do you feel now?”

“I… don’t know.”

“Hmm. That’s still okay, I guess. Maybe letting yourself feel things in itself should be your first step – you can always think about it more later.”

This sounds kind of backwards to Kei, but his awareness that ‘he isn’t exactly the most emotionally mature one around either’ holds him back from stating any harsh comments. That and the fact that he currently feels like he could sleep for a year on end and still feel tired afterwards.

He wrinkles his nose at the stinging of his eyes – even plain blinking seems to irritate them, and he ends up just sitting there with his eyes half-closed as Bokuto rambles on about all the merits of crying.

“You cry when your brain is overwhelmed by the level of emotion it has to endure, you now. It can also be a positive emotion, although I guess that with you it wasn’t really a… - well whatever; the point is that you can’t feel anything else than the emotion currently filling up your mind when you’re crying. I kinda forgot most of Tetsu’s explanation about the full chemical process – but it came down to, like, your brain using the tears and the full crying-process to wipe itself clean again. Though I guess that that can make you feel a little empty afterwards. You now, with the overwhelmed-ness suddenly being gone and all…”

He looks very proud of himself for giving this explanation. Kei wonders if he’s expecting him to applaud. The owl wordlessly moves aside as Kei motions him to get off the bed, throwing the covers back so he can crawl in.

They softly continue the conversation even after Kei has shut off the lights, Bokuto’s figure now a black blob in the surrounding darkness.

Kei wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but this whole ordeal had been a relief and he feels much lighter afterwards, despite the exhaustion slowing him down. He’s finally starting to drift off when something that Koutarou says makes his shoulders jump in surprise.

“-so anyway, you gotta stop clenching your butt cheeks this hard, dude.”

“I-… _Hah?_ Wh-”

“Just act like you did tonight! Don’t stop your emotions, or they will collect and fester. You don’t necessarily need to share them if you don’t want to, but at least stop hiding them from yourself. How many times do you need for me to repeat that sentence until _it will get through that thick skull of yours?_ You’re a logic-driven guy, right? How does it make any sense to force everything down like this when you _know_ it will have consequences?”

To most other people, this would’ve sounded really offensive, but the derisiveness of Bokuto’s comment actually helps Tsukishima calm down further, his body sagging even deeper into the mattress, losing the last of its tension. Bokuto appears to have been waiting for this to happen, and Kei wonders how sharp he can see in the half-dark bedroom, because his tone turns a lot friendlier when he continues with: “You need to let yourself feel your emotions before you’ll be able to work through them. I’ve said it before. It’s quite logical, funnily enough. You did well, though.” He sighs, and his next mumbling almost gets lost under the sleepiness pulling Kei’s mind away from the room and towards comforting nothingness. “Kuroo was right about you. You’re way worse than I thought.”

A tiny jolt of unease flits through Tsukishima’s mind at the mention of Kuroo’s name. “How, uhm,” he wipes his eyes after a giant yawn interrupts his sentence, “how is he doing? Is he okay?”

Bokuto’s throaty chuckle brings as much comfort as his firm confirmation of Kuroo’s wellbeing. “Don’t worry about it. I’m sure he has whined about it enough to get Kenma to coddle him. Or throw him out, that’s the other option.” He hoots, cackling at his own joke.

“Yeah. Well. Could you… If you get back, can you tell him-?”

“Can you say that I’m… That I didn’t _mean_ … it?”, he mutters weakly. “I just want him to know that-…” It’s not reluctance holding his words back, but for some reason, Kei’s true question just won’t come out the way he wants it too.

Bokuto is quiet for a while, clearly giving Tsukishima a chance to finish his sentence, but when he doesn’t follow it up with a new attempt to specify his request, the owl agrees to it anyway.

“I’ll tell him. Don’t worry.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

…

“You know it’s okay, right, Kei? We understand.”

Tsukishima doesn’t ask who ‘we’ are. And even though it’s hard to conceive how people can just accept _certain ways_ he has acted in the past, he still believes his senpai. Bokuto has never been much of a liar after all.

“I… Yeah. Thanks.”

“Good night, Bokuto-san.”

“Night, Tsukki.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey heeeeeeeeeeeey! One of Haikyuu's very best boys (or owls) has arrived! What did you all think about Bo's appearance? :)   
> He took his "I really am the greatest" quote to a whole other level this time.  
> I'm really excited to see what you all thought about this chapter! ^^
> 
> For the people who want to celebrate my birthday with me, this Sunday - please check out the other works I've posted! I'm really proud of them and love them a lot. If they're not your cup of tea, I'd love it if you shared one of my fics with someone you think might like them! :) I'm afraid I'm not that good at advertising them online, I quickly feel like I'm bothering people :p
> 
> Regardless of whether you do any of the things mentioned above, I want to thank you for reading and hope you look forward to the next updates as well!  
> Have a nice week & use this as a reminder to call someone you cherish and tell them you love them! (it's the small things that brighten the world these days) ❤️
> 
> @Falka-san: Did you like the chapter's title, dear? :v I think you’ll remember where I got it from. I've saved that saying in my phone the second you told me about its meaning :p Thank you for your help and inspiring me on all these different levels!


	5. Muscle memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“… Loneliness is a purely physical thing in its core, you know. If you_ feel _lonely, you_ are _lonely. It’s a warning system ingrained in your body to protect you from losing your pack. You shouldn’t ignore this, Tsukishima. Your body will demand attention regardless - it’ll make you sick.”_  
>  _“Humans don’t form packs”, Tsukishima says, very maturely._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey hey! ^^ Thank you _so_ much to everyone who wished me a happy birthday! ^^ I don't mind the people who mentioned it a couple of days late! I think it's super sweet that you made the effort at all! :D
> 
> My inspiration for the 5th chapter is the same song as last chapter; [’Jealous Sea’ by Meg Myers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5iBlwXp4lk).
> 
> _**"I want you to tell me what to do** _  
>  _**I want you to tell me what you need** _  
>  _**When you look at me like you do** _  
>  _**Don't leave, I just can't get enough** _  
>  _**I just can't get enough"** _

  
Two days later, Bokuto isn’t anywhere in sight when the morning light starts to filter its way through the curtains. Tsukishima isn’t as bothered by this as he was on the first morning after Bokuto’s arrival. The owl had yearned to stretch his wings after full days of sitting on Tsukishima’s shoulder or his desk as he watches him complete his homework or walk to practice. And since he’d claimed that the nights are ‘boring as fuck since humans sleep all the time’, Koutarou had decided that night-time was the best moment for his outings. It probably didn’t hurt that it connected more closely to his preferred waking hours either.

Tsukishima is currently swiping through his phone, deciding on the last song he’s going to be able to listen to before reaching the school gates. His mind swerves back to Bokuto as he lets his phone drop back into his pocket, a little surprised that his senpai hasn’t shown up yet. He had gotten used to the owl’s arrival during Tsukishima’s walks to school on most days. Now that he thinks about it, he’s never actually asked how Bokuto gets out of a locked room at night. You know – with the tiny detail of him lacking hands. Then again, opening and closing a locked window while using just his wings wouldn’t be the weirdest thing he has seen the owl do these past few days.

Tsukishima’s shoulders sag a little when the soft whoosh of wings cutting through the air sounds behind him. He’s begrudgingly come to accept Bokuto’s constant company – like it, even, especially now that Yamaguchi talks to him less than he ever has before. But still, the expectation has been comforting him less and less the last two couple of days. He isn’t sure where this new emptiness is coming from, but it doesn’t hurt as much as some of his other most recent realisations so he ignores it for now.

Kei looks up when the flapping of wings stops, but no weight has landed on his shoulder – seeking out the giant golden eyes above a surprisingly quiet beak, when he meets a steel blue gaze instead. The bird sitting on top of the iron fence in front of him is still an owl, but its eyes are a shade he’s never seen in any bird before. It just sits and stares at him, quietly.

Tsukishima’s mind wildly considers the fact that this might be a random owl that he was about to start talking to, before something in the form of the owl’s facial structure makes things click in his head. _‘Ah. Great. Another one.’_

“You weren’t the one I expected.”

“Did you expect any of us before we arrived, then?”

Akaashi’s tone is as dry as ever as his gaze glides over Kei’s face. The blond doesn’t answer and simply raises his arm in invitation, waiting for Akaashi to land so he can walk the last couple of meters towards the gate.

He isn’t upset over Akaashi’s presence. The setter has always been the one Tsukishima felt most closely resembled him, character wise, but he isn’t exactly relieved by his company either. He wouldn’t care if someone else switched in for the owl in a couple of minutes. It’s not like it matters who’s with him or not. This place is still a hellhole.

Akaashi is noticeably the most quiet out of all three of his animal visitors, though Tsukishima isn’t quite sure why this surprised him. It takes Keiji hours to start talking after their short conversation that morning.

“You should stop doing that, Tsukishima-kun.”

The soft-spoken admission pulls his gaze away from Rin, who’s fruitlessly trying to get Tsuyima’s attention from where he and Miyako are poking Yamaguchi’s sides to make him laugh.

“Huh?”

“You’re going to break skin if you keep scratching yourself like that.”

“Ah, yes.” Tsukishima lifts his right hand and balls it into a fist instead, holding back from the weird urge to pinch his skin again. The uncomfortable feeling he’s been having since that morning has grown into a light itch under his skin that gets worse whenever he tries to talk to Yamaguchi, so he’s decided to sit it out instead, content with hearing his friend’s voice and seeing him sling an arm across Hiroshi’s shoulder from a distance.

“It’s not going to get better this way, you know.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Akaashi is staring silently at him again. It seems that Tsukishima’s habit of baiting others into answering his questions without fully formulating them first isn’t going to work on this one. Well, whatever. Kei can be stubborn too. Akaashi will tell him eventually.

*

The next time Akaashi interrupts him is when Kei is staring at Yamaguchi from across the room. “Still going to say that you don’t know what I was referring to?”

Kei’s reaction to this comment is a little too slow to successfully conceal the pitiful expression he’d undoubtedly been wearing with his usual indifference.

“Okay, so I _might_ have a hunch. It’ll go away in the end, so don’t bother with the speeches. I won’t _die_ by not talking to him for a while, it’s not like we’re physically incapable of being apart.”

“… Loneliness is a purely physical thing in its core, you know. If you _feel_ lonely, you _are_ lonely. It’s a warning system ingrained in your body to protect you from losing your pack. You shouldn’t ignore this, Tsukishima. Your body will demand attention regardless - it’ll make you sick.”

“Humans don’t form packs”, Tsukishima says, very maturely.

But Akaashi is right. Kei misses his ‘normal’ Yamaguchi so badly at this point that it’s making him perpetually nauseous. Telling Akaashi this won’t change the current situation in any way, shape or form, though. So he doesn’t.

“’doesn’t matter. I can handle it just fine.”

“Whatever you say.”

Tsukishima smiles. Lunchtime might not be the same intimate affair that it used to be, surrounded as they are by this new _group_ , but it isn’t all that bad either. Tsukishima is really practising getting to like them. They’re just people – and maybe, if he tries hard enough, he’ll be able to ignore the hole in his stomach that makes it harder to breath nowadays.

It’s during these particular moments that Tsukishima sees how much Yamaguchi has changed. And how much he hasn’t. One of these ‘new’ behaviours unfortunately shining through while Kei is the one making the others laugh, for once. “And so Akiteru swore up and down that he wasn’t the one who’d put the television on fire, but-”

“Hey! Hey – Rin, remember when you set the microwave on fire?”

All heads swizzle to stare at Rin and Yamaguchi, the former of which glares at Yamaguchi over his spoon full of yoghurt.

“I thought that we’d decided _not to discuss this anymore,_ Yama?”

“Ooooh, come ooon!”

Rin’s expression mellows as he seems to chew on his spoon in thought, focused on Hiroshi’s wide grin and Masahiko’s hopeful expression.

“Well… I only did it once, so it wasn’t _that_ bad, I just-”

Tsukishima is staring down at his lunchbox, his hunger mostly forgotten. This new habit of Tadashi’s to interrupt him or just talk over whatever he’s saying takes a long time getting used to. He had thought that the pinch server was still mad at him, the first time it happened – the way he pulled the attention off of Tsukishima had seemed far too deliberate to be an accident, but that hadn’t been the case. He should have known better. Even a popular Yamaguchi wouldn’t do that. It’s not out of mean-spirited intent – Tadashi just seems to have gotten so used to people listening to him – so used to all the attention, that he doesn’t even notice whenever he interrupts others, focused as he is on things he himself wants to talk about. The difference to the way he used to hang on to every word that left Tsukishima’s lips is so stark that it’s hard to remember that the boy he’s looking at is still that same person.

*

“I must say that you’ve surprised me with your actions, these last couple of days.

“Hmm?”

It’s evening, and Kei is laying on his bed again, scrolling through some of the notifications his phone keeps blowing up with. He thought Akaashi was sleeping, but it appears as though the owl has been watching him instead, his posture so still that Tsukishima didn’t realize he was awake.

“You don’t really do… Anything. I’d thought you’d be more of a… a ‘forward’ kind of human.”

Tsukishima hums again, not looking away from his phone. “Whatever. It’s not like I’ll be here forever. One day soon I’ll be gone from this place, and everything will be back like it was before.”

Some time after levelling his brain again, thanks to Bokuto’s help, Tsukishima had realized what an idiot he’d been. Why did he let his emotions drag him all over the place? This isn’t his world after all. Why should he try to change it?

Admittedly, this didn’t really help him feeling like shit whenever he was confronted with his and Yamaguchi’s changing relationship at school every day, but it’s a comforting thought nonetheless – and Tsukishima will be damned before he lets go of it.

He taps away at the picture of Yamaguchi and Ayumu melancholically, eyes staring unseeing at the way Hiroshi, Masahiko and Ryou are waving in the background. “It won’t last forever.”

“How long have you been here, Tsukishima-kun?”

It’s perplexing that Akaashi seems to take Tsukishima’s previous comments at face value, he thinks, since it must sound really strange to a bird who has always existed in a world that isn’t what Kei would call ‘real’. But even more perplexing is that he can’t seem to come up with the answer to Akaashi’s question at all. He just opens his mouth, looking dumb for a second before realizing that he simply… doesn’t know. How long has it been? Right after the question was asked, he wanted to say ‘4 weeks’, but it has to be more by now, doesn’t it? The longer he tries to remember the answer for, the more uncomfortable he gets. In a last effort defence mechanism, he clings on tight to his earlier statement.

“What does it matter in the end? I’m not gonna be forever. I’ll get out.”

“… For someone who dislikes sprinting laps around the gym, you sure do run away from your problems awfully fast, Tsukishima-kun.”

“You-!”

None of the others treated him like this. Akaashi doesn’t really seem to care about the rising indignance in his conversation partner though, his level stare nailing Kei to the spot.

“I thought people tended to work on their problems _faster_ when it involved people they care about. Especially those they love the most.”

Kei regards him in silence. It’s hard to argue that Akaashi doesn’t have a point there. But at the same time, he just doesn’t really feel like it matters in his specific situation. So what if he likes Yamaguchi? So what if he likes him _that way?_ The risks aren’t worth it. What they have already is fine, and he decides to tell Akaashi so.

“You sure omit the risks easily.”

“What risks?”

Kei narrows his eyes at Keiji – resigned to the fact that getting into a staring contest with an owl might be a bad idea. He’s sure that Akaashi already knows exactly what Tsukishima was talking about, but that doesn’t mean he’s willing or comfortable with saying it out loud – even if he’s the one these feelings originate from.

“It doesn’t matter whether I.. What or connection is in this world. Even if it hurts, it’s not the same one as I have. As _we_ have, up there.” He vaguely points to the sky, as if ‘the real world’ is about to fall right upon them from above the clouds and make everything alright again. “He doesn’t know, and he doesn’t need to. Our connection is fine as it is.”

“Is it?”

“Hm?”

“Fine? Is it? From the way you act every day, it sounds a little surprising.”

Tsukishima’s nails dig into his palms where he’s holding them loosely behind his back. _‘It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t. I don’t need to think about this right now.’_

“It is.” He holds back his curses as Akaashi does the owl equivalent of raising an eyebrow. “It’s not like _this._ Back home, it would _never_ be like this – Yamaguchi wouldn’t leave me. It’s… safer. We’re just like we’re supposed to be. And anyway – even if I’m a little distant sometimes, it’s for the best. It would only sour what we have already, if he knew. Yamaguchi can take it. He knows what I’m like. And he wouldn’t have stuck around for as long as he did, if he didn’t want to accept me being this way. I just have to wait until I wake up and everything will be back to normal.”

Akaashi sounds curiously strained after Kei is done with his admission. “Haven’t you gained anything from the lessons Bokuto-san taught you?”

A stubborn tick in Tsukishima’s jaw betrays his answer before he can open his mouth. After his late-night realization that nothing in this world truly sticks when he goes back, he had kind of _embraced_ the emotional emptiness this fact brought him. He was a little regretful to neglect the things Bokuto said – trying to forget his lessons hadn’t been as easy as expected. But knowing that someone is right in what they’re saying doesn’t mean that it’s easy to act the way they tell you to. Doing what he’s doing now is just so much-

“It’s easier. When it doesn’t matter.” The words come out robotically, and they impress Akaashi even less than Tsukishima himself.

“Don’t you see the effect your behaviour has had on your relationships with the others around you? They’re dwindling. The connections to people you used to hold close, I mean.”

“No, they’re not? Not the ones who matter anyway. Weren’t you listening before? The real Yamaguchi would never do this.”

“If this is how you treat him, then maybe he should.”

*

Tsukishima sighs. He feels like an anime character in a melodramatic video clip, what with the way he’s staring outside at the rainy world past his window. Akaashi is still accompanying him everywhere he goes, but Kei has been steadfastly ignoring the owl ever since their last argument. He’s forgone thinking about the harsh words that were thrown in his direction, incapable of accepting even the tiniest notion that they might hold some truth in them.

Someone sniggers on his right, and Kei ignores them. It’s only when the sniggering raises in volume after his umptieth sigh that he turns his head to stare at Miyako’s grinning face. Her eyes are squinting with barely contained glee as she stares up at him from where she _should_ be putting the last touches on her math homework with Yamaguchi and Ayumu.

“You sound like a leaking balloon when you’re sighing like that.”

“’must sound a lot like your brain, then.”

Really. She wasn’t even taunting him. Kei knows this. Miyako isn’t a mean person. But he was feeling like shit and _someone_ had to pay. Just for a second. It has always made him feel better in the past. He wonders why this recurrence of salty comments relieving his distress would leave him now, as he has to watch her mirthful expression turn to hurt instead.

“Shut up, Tsukishima.”

None of the rage Kei expects to feel wells up in his chest at those words. Instead, all he has is emotional resignation. Yamaguchi doesn’t even look up from his homework when addressing him, different from Ayumu – who nervously glances back and forth, wary of arguments.

Except from a twitch of his left shoulder, Tsukishima doesn’t even react when all the people around him start to sag like quickly melting wax. He’s seen so many weird things that the fact that they flow to the ground and fade away doesn’t feel all that strange. Yamaguchi is the only one unbothered by the disappearance of the people around him, focused as the is on helping his melting friends complete their homework.

Tsukishima’s eyes linger on how Tadashi is biting his lip in concentration. Yamaguchi isn’t talking at all, but for some reason the brunette’s voice starts echoing around them louder and louder while they sit in silence. “Shut up, shut up, shut-!”

It takes Tsukishima pushing his hands against his ears and begging for it to end, before the noise stops. When it does, it ends so abruptly that Kei is confused on whether or not he was transported to another room again. But when he looks around, everyone is back where they were seated before – no sign of wax or melting bodies anywhere in sight.

Yamaguchi isn’t doing any homework anymore, though. He’s talking to his friends. Or, at least, that’s what Tsukishima thinks he’s doing, because even if he can see the other boy’s lips move, he can’t hear anything. It takes a few seconds before he realizes that he can’t hear anyone. He can’t even hear it when he claps his hands experimentally, suddenly desperate to hear something. _Anything._ The others can’t seem to hear him either, because Yamaguchi doesn’t so much as blink when Tsukishima tries to say something to him.

Tsukishima laughs ruefully to himself, his voice silent as he feels his vocal cords vibrate and the air leave his lips. All the times when he’s told people to shut up… What he wouldn’t give to hear them again now.

That thought triggers something in his mind, and Tsukishima thinks back to Yamaguchi’s earlier comment – his thoughts completely undisturbed in the bubble of silence warped around him. He’d been _quite literally_ silenced by Yamaguchi’s words. It’s only now that it has happened to him that wonders if it has ever felt like that for Yamaguchi, whenever he told him to shut up in the past.

Thinking about that over and over doesn’t lead him to new conclusions, sadly enough. Tsukishima may still be a little pissed at Akaashi for what he’d previously said, but talking to the owl sounds a lot more appealing now. He wouldn’t be able to talk to anyone else anyway.

It’s not like Tsukishima has never said things that hurt people before. It’s just that saying that you value honesty above all else becomes a lot harder when the truth in question has the tendency to hurt your feelings.

He looks up once more, but the sight of an all-silent Yamaguchi is almost too painful to bear. He switches back to looking out the window instead, following the trail of a single raindrop on the glass with his eyes until it hits the metal frame underneath. The hollow push of utter silence against his eardrums is horrible. He has never wanted anything as much as he wants to go back to his own world. He wants to wake up. He’s done with this dream – this _nightmare._

‘That’s it’, he decides. He’ll take Akaashi up on his offer to talk more about all this crap. It’ll be worth it if it causes things to change, even if he probably will have to listen to pretty painful things to get there. Kei has started to realize more and more that things can’t go on like this – neither in this world or his usual one. But to bring an end to some of his usual behaviours and safety nets… he’s never tried anything like it before. To call it anxiety-inducing would be a giant understatement.

* 

They’re seated the same way they were during their previous disastrous conversation. Keiji hadn’t reacted to Tsukishima’s request for a conversation at all – his piercing gaze scanning Kei’s face in a way many would confuse for boredom. And now they’re here – just like before – and at the same time totally different, if the uneasiness in Tsukishima’s stomach is taken into account. Asking to meet up and talk was a lot easier than, you know, doing the actual talking.

Things turn awkward really quickly when it gets clear that Akaashi is unwilling to be the one leading the conversation this time, still vaguely prickly over Tsukishima’s latest outburst. Kei could try and test the bird’s patience, but that’s not what they’re here for. He wants, no, he _needs_ help. Advice.

Tsukishima locks his phone and puts it to the side, determined to dedicate his entire focus to the conversation at hand this time. “So… Euhm…” Kei digs his nails into his knees at the patheticness of his own tone. _‘This is just Akaashi. This is just a friend – I don’t have to worry about this.’_

His voice is more steely when he starts his sentence the second time around, rambling out his thoughts in one long, fast paced sentence – trying to think about _what_ it is he’s saying as little as possible. “So you might have been right about that thing you said about Yamaguchi and me not treating him like I should have all the time. But I’m planning to- no, I’m _going_ to change it and I just need you to-, maybe kind of to talk to because I’m not sure how to change some stuff and I don’t know…” It ends in an incoherent mumble, but looking up at Akaashi’s expression, it appears he got his point across well enough.

“Can I ask where this decision comes from? I expected you to come around eventually, and I’m happy for you, but I’m curious nonetheless.”

“You’re… happy for me?” Tsukishima asks, disbelief clear in his voice.

“Yes. Because even if it’ll take a lot of work, I believe cherishing your friends the way you ought to will be the best path forward, for you as well as them.”

“Ah… well… Okay.”

“So the decision?” Akaashi presses.

Tsukishima lets himself sag down into the pillows. He hadn’t realized how tense his body was when he started the conversation, still nervous that Akaashi wouldn’t give the subject a second go in the end. Kei appreciates his senpai, but he doesn’t know him at all on a more emotional level.

He tells the owl everything – going back all the way to his first meeting with Yamaguchi, glossing over their years together until he reaches the last (and most painful) couple of weeks.

Akaashi only speaks up when he’s done summarizing the events of that afternoon, ending on a description of the way Yamaguchi told him to shut up.

“It’s not as fun being on the receiving end of comments like that, is it?”

Tsukishima frowns but doesn’t answer, knowing all too well that Keiji is in the right making a remark about this, especially after the way he’d reacted the first time the owl tried to talk to him. Still, Akaashi seems to be waiting for something, so Kei nods stiffly, urging him to go on.

“Are you saying that you’re bothered by the way his character has changed in general?”

“I… don’t know”, Tsukishima says slowly. Life had been easier when Yamaguchi just followed his every whim, that’s for sure. It hadn’t bothered him when that trait started to fade when they grew older, ending up with Tsukishima receiving more and more feedback and snappy comments of his friend whenever he saw fit. Seeing Yamaguchi being as confident as he is here, is obviously a good thing too, it’s just… “I guess I didn’t realize what it’s like, sometimes. It’s different when it’s _him_ saying these things. Anyway – it’s kind of hard to argue that I want him to doubt himself all the time. But right now it doesn't feel like his self-doubt went away - more like he channeled it into doubting me instead.”

“Why would it be any different, exactly?”

“What’s different?”

“The thing? That you said about it being different when Yamaguchi reacts this way? You think it’s different when _you_ do it?”

“I thought it was, at least…” Tsukishima feels like he’s steadily deflating as he stares up at the ceiling. Golden dust particles dance in the sunlight above their heads, a pretty distraction from this involuntary therapy session.

“It’s how I’ve always been. Most of the time, that is. I thought he’d run away at first, when he noticed what I’m usually like – he was such a crybaby in primary school.” Kei heaves a dry laugh before continuing. “It’s not that I didn’t realize some people might have had a problem with it. After all, Karasuno’s king and queen get mad about it all the time. It might’ve been wrong for me to say some of the things that I said. But then again, Tadashi never told me to stop either. _Not once._ ”

“And why do you think that is?”

“Hmm?”

Akaashi’s eye twitches in a look of fond exasperation. “You _know_ Yamaguchi? And you’ve just described how anxious and shy he was in primary school. But still you honestly thought that he would tell you – his _only_ close friend at the time, and the one who kept the bullies away – that he disliked your behaviour?”

“… But I’m his friend?”

“And would you have changed how you reacted if he’d told you? At that time?”

Tsukishima’s eyes widen, unsettled. The truth of the matter is… he doesn’t know. He doesn’t remember enough of his old self’s thought process to guess whether or not he’d have put in enough effort, if that’s what Yamaguchi would have wanted.

“Then again, you do have a point.”

“I do? I mean, yes. … Which one?

“You’re not his therapist. It’s reasonable to expect your friends to tell you when they don’t like something, even if it might have helped if you asked how he felt about things, sometimes. As someone who speaks their mind so much, it must feel backwards to think this way – but you can’t just expect everyone to be… daring enough to tell you their thoughts honestly and without prompting. So maybe you should have asked… But alas, it is what it is. It’s not like complaining about it now will change anything.”

“Isn’t that what we’re doing?”

Akaashi’s laugh is much louder this time. It shakes something in Tsukishima and makes him feel a little bit warmer – the lights in his room shining a little brighter with his rising mood.

“That wasn’t the intention. But you do need to have a solid view of where you came from, if you want to change something for the better where you’re going.”

“You know… It’s fine to talk ‘bout this and all. But I don’t think I’ll ever truly get over this ‘behaviour’ that you keep referring to. I’ve made too many mistakes. It’s simply too late to change them all now, even if I want to. So what else do I do, then?”

Akaashi clicks his beak disapprovingly at Kei’s doubtful tone. “Making mistakes is human. No one is exempt from this – not you and not Yamaguchi himself. _So what_ if you’ve been wrong in the past? At least you’re aware of it now. An honest mistake only tuns into true failure when you refuse to correct it.”

“Yeah, that sounds very wholesome and all, but-”

“It’d be a mistake to just let things be, Tsukishima. As long as both parties are willing – as long as you both care, you’ll find a way – a compromise, eventually.

“I don’t think he really cares.”

The second the words leave Kei’s mouth, he knows that they’re false. Yamaguchi _does_ care. Maybe.

He used to, at the very least.

“And _you?_ How much do _you_ care? Every description you’ve given me about Yamaguchi previously makes him sound quite plain. Even when you’re merely mentioning the physical aspects. I can’t help but fail to see what Koutarou told me…”

“Plain? Maybe so.”

There’s a breath of silence where nothing happens. Even the dust particles seem to tremble in mid-air – resisting the pull of the airflow around them. And then Tsukishima lets loose – the truth rushes out of him with such force that it feels like he’s been holding back for years. Which he kind of has.

“Being plain isn’t a bad thing. He doesn’t need any of that gaudy shit others love so much. That’s just superficial, Yamaguchi shines on his own. And anyway, what’s so ‘plain’ about him in the first place? I wouldn’t mind if he was, but I just don’t think he is. Not really. It’s not my fault all those idiots have too shitty eyesight to appreciate-”

“You do realize that you’re the one with the glasses, right?”

Akaashi is busy meticulously inspecting his left talons at the moment, missing his kouhai’s murderous glare entirely. “It’s not my fault that none of them have any taste. And that’s just an appearance thing anyway. I mean – it is nice that he’s… that he looks… like that. Soft ‘n stuff. Even though he’s strong. It’s good… Well, whatever.” He coughs, trying to hold back on all the other embarrassing things he was planning on sharing.

“What else?” The question is breathed so softly that Tsukishima nearly fails to register that it comes from his friend instead of his own mind. He struggles for about a second before giving in again. No matter how vulnerable he’s being right now – sharing all this feels exhilarating. He’s never been able to share these things before – least of all with Yamaguchi himself.

“It’s just… _All_ the things. Too many things. Like – he smiles so often that I don’t even know if he realizes he’s doing it, most of the time. And when we would touch… _Don’t_ _look at me like that!_ When we high five or something, during practice, he always lingers just a touch too long to be normal. I thought that I was imagining it at first – that I noticed because I _wanted_ it to be true, but he doesn’t do stuff like that with any of the others. Also… Shit, this is so embarrassing.” Kei rubs his cheeks hard before continuing, masking his blush with the white indents his fingers left across his skin. “I used to… I knew that I wasn’t always the nicest with the way I acted. But I liked how he’d always apologize. Not that he had to, most of the time. But it was nice to hear him say my name… That’s how I realized it, actually. In the end. Even if I tried to ignore the fact that I knew.”

“Realized…?”

“You know full well what I mean.

“So you love him?”, Akaashi asks bluntly. “Since when?”

Tsukishima shrugs. “I don’t know. I didn’t really notice when it started. It’s not like there was some sort of big change or anything. It has just always been there.”

He ticks on his ribs to clarify, and Akaashi makes a weird snort-like noise. “I wasn’t aware of humans having feelings in their bones.”

“I wasn’t literally referring to my bones, dipshit”, Kei lets out, forgetting about the fact that he’s talking to his senpai and not a real owl. “It’s just a saying. But sure, if it _has_ to be romantic… I’ve felt it for so long, so you can say that I feel it in… You could say…”

“Yes?” Akaashi’s expression is a mix of humour and eagerness, invested in the spectacle of Tsukishima trapping himself into his own confession.

Kei clenches his jaw. No matter how much he likes Yamaguchi, he’d rather jump out of the window than make dramatic declarations about pining and his heart, _especially_ to a third party.

“Let’s just call it muscle memory.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo... Is everyone ready for our resident saltshaker to wake up soon? :v
> 
> I want to thank Possumel, who I'm lucky to call one of my best friends, for creating [this wonderful art that she has posted on Twitter](https://twitter.com/Possumel/status/1251063709017006080). Kei and his guardian senpais have never looked better! I can't thank you enough for this late birthday gift, it's really thoughtful and sweet! ^^
> 
> Please fuel my feedback-cravings with your comments! :D  
> I hope you all have a great week and don't forget to wash your hands!


	6. Of course you can

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The month in this world has shown him how stupid he’s been for holding back the true depth of the affection he holds for his friend. Better be honest than lose something because you never tried in the first place. He’s rather regret something he_ did _than_ didn’t _do._
> 
> _Kei grins in the mirror as he buttons up the last buttons of his pyjama. Old Tsukishima would’ve fought him over that last idea tooth and nail. But he’s changed a lot over the course of the last year, and_ this _version of Tsukishima has decided that holding Yamaguchi close is far more important than whatever pride he was trying to use to mask his insecurities with._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey hey! :D   
> I hope you are all ready for the last stage of this story? Our boy has slept more than long enough, I'd say.
> 
> Before you start reading, I want to give thanks to one of my best friends, Possumel, for creating [this wonderful art that she has posted on Twitter](https://twitter.com/Possumel/status/1251063709017006080). Kei and his guardian sepais have never looked better! I can't thank you enough for this late birthday gift, it's really thoughtful and sweet! ^^
> 
> The song that I used for this chapter is the same as I used for the first one. It's also where I pulled the inspiration from when I chose the title of this fic: [’Crossing a line’ by Mike Shinoda](https://youtu.be/I2sRc3j7IU0). 
> 
> _**"And they'll tell you I don't care anymore** _   
>  _**And I hope you'll know that's a lie** _   
>  _**'Cause I've found what I have been waiting for** _   
>  _**But to get there means crossing a line** _   
>  _**So I'm crossing a line"** _

It takes Tsukishima a couple of days after that fateful conversation with Akaashi to come to a conclusion. Through all the hard things he’s done in life, Yamaguchi has supported him. And even if this doesn’t go the way he hopes it will, he’s still certain that Yamaguchi will be by his side in whatever capacity feels comfortable. So he’s decided.

He’s going to confess.

It’s about time too. He’s been in this dream world for a month, and he’s been feeling a bit weird, the last two days. If ‘see-through’ were a sensation, then that’s the description he would use. The feeling that he doesn’t have that much time left, looming over his head, is making him even more sure of his decision. He’ll do it! The morning he wakes up, he’ll go to Yamaguchi at once and he’ll… Well… The right words will form at the moment they’re needed, he thinks.

Kei has been using his conversations with Akaashi to come to terms with his plan and the way it’ll affect his and Yamaguchi’s relationship. Keiji is a harsh judge, but he’s loyal and honest too. And the owl was right in his approach – Kei is ready. He’s been threading the edge for a while, stubbornly looking left to avoid making the obvious decision he needed to move forward in life. This was exactly the wake-up call he was lacking. The month in this world has shown him how stupid he’s been for holding back the true depth of the affection he holds for his friend. Better be honest than lose something because you never tried in the first place. He’s rather regret something he _did_ than _didn’t_ do.

Kei grins in the mirror as he buttons up the last buttons of his pyjama. Old Tsukishima would’ve fought him over that last idea tooth and nail. But he’s changed a lot over the course of the last year, and _this_ version of Tsukishima has decided that holding Yamaguchi close is far more important than whatever pride he was trying to use to mask his insecurities with.

“I won’t be here for much longer.”

“I know.” Kei can hear the humour in Akaashi’s voice despite the owl’s ever neutral expression. “You’ve told me several times.”

“But I really feel it this time. I feel… different.”

Akaashi’s beak clicks, soft laughter echoing from the dark corner he likes to snooze in. “That I know too. I was planning on leaving tonight. You don’t need me to help you through this last bit. It’s something better done on your own.”

Tsukishima nods stiffly, trying not to think of the horror it would be to have to confess in this dream, with a third party listening in – even if Kei was the only one who could see him. Life was easier when his friends were just human instead of invisible animal companions.

He carries Akaashi to the window for the last time, opening the lock after a little fiddling – a soft rush of wind blowing the curtains into their faces when he pulls back the latch. Akaashi sends him one last glance before shuffling forward, balancing awkwardly on the window sill. “Good luck, Kei. I hope your growth will take you to the place you belong.”

“Euh… right. Thanks, Akaashi-san.” He pauses a second before asking: “Where are you going now?”

“To the place _I_ belong. They always complain when I get back too late, and I’m too tired to stop another meltdown. Bye, Tsukishima-kun.”

Akaashi might have been complaining, but he looked way too content for it to be real. Tsukishima doesn’t call him out on it. Keiji has had far more patience with some of Kei’s stupid comments. He stays standing at the window as Akaashi spreads his wings and takes off. It’s a majestic sight, no matter how many times he’s seen it by now from Akaashi and Bokuto both.

His legs tingle in a foreign way when he closes the curtains back up and walks to his bed. It feels like they’re asleep. The irony makes Tsukishima smirk – not even the hateful way little pins and needles seem to pierce through his skin with every step can stop his grin. The fresh cold of his blankets is a welcome switch to the floor, dampening the tiny stings in his soles and calves.

For the first time since Kei woke up in this dreamworld, he drifts into sleep without lingering worries – his rest just as peaceful as his heart. He knows that he won’t be here when he wakes. He is ready.

*

Tsukishima opens his eyes and _breathes._ It’s morning, his head is clear, and his heart is beating with a resolution heavier than he has had in years. His hands are trembling in trepidation. When he smooths down the covers after moving to sit up, heart racing a mile a minute. He bows left to grab his glasses, while simultaneously going over his plan for what feels like the 800th time. He jumps out of bed at once, pulling a random shirt out of his closet and starting to pull it on before reconsidering and going for a dark blue one instead, of which Yamaguchi once commented on how well the colour suited his eyes.

Kei takes his winter jacket – happy to notice that his parents and brother are still in bed as he sneaks out. He doesn’t want to explain where he’s going. He cold wind slaps him in the face as he steps out into the winter sunlight, but it only causes him to feel more awake. More alive.

He moves quickly – striding along the pavement so fast that he’s nearly running, wanting to reach his friend already; before his treacherous mind can double down and betray him when he needs it the least. He doesn’t even care about the fact that he forgot his scarf – the blood roaring in his ears giving off enough warmth that he doesn’t mind. The storms from before must have calmed down, because even though it’s cold, it’s not freezing as harshly as before.

His hands tremble even harder than that morning, when he tries to fit the house key into the lock of the backdoor before putting it back underneath the flowerpot where it belongs. He’s been here so many times that he could find his way in blindly. He breathes in deeply, shuddering as he closes the door behind him and hangs his coat over a red jacket on top of the closest hanger. He haphazardly kicks his shoes underneath the shoe rack before marching further inside the house.

Yamaguchi’s parents always sleep in on Saturdays, and Kei silently thanks them for this habit as he tiptoes down the corridor and moves for the stairs. He wants to catch Tadashi before they need to leave for practice – unable to hold back for another day, now that he’s finally come to peace with what he has to do.

He hears Yamaguchi before he sees him, the sound of his mumbling soothing the last traces of frantic panic lingering in Tsukishima’s chest. Kei opens the door to the stairs, closing it behind him and resting against it for a second – simply basking in the way his friend’s voice is reverberating through the door at the end of the stairs. He must be walking around between his room and the bathroom or something.

Tsukishima smiles to himself as Yamaguchi’s mumbling picks up in speed – excitement clearly audible even if he can’t understand all the words. It’s been a while since he heard it, but Tadashi used to talk to himself a lot when he was younger – forgetting to hold back his thoughts whenever he was happy. It gives Kei the last bit of energy that he needs – so he pushes off against the door and moves up the stairs, reaching for the door handle and calmly pulling it open. His heartbeat has levelled, against his expectations, and a single corner is currently the only thing holding him from what he’s here to do.

Now that he’s only a couple of meters away from Yamaguchi, he can hear his voice clearly for the first time.

“Of course you can-”

He doesn’t even have the time to blink in confusion about the wording before he turns the corner and is staring straight at Yamaguchi, who’s leaning against his bedroom door. Only… he’s not alone. Tsuyima Masahiko is pressed up against Tadashi so closely that it looks like he’s trying to melt straight into the pinch server’s body.

They don’t even _notice_ that Kei’s standing there, so concentrated on kissing each other senseless that they’re unable to hear the tiniest breath Tsukishima lets out as his heart shatters in his chest, together with his hopes of achieving happiness after all these years of pining.

The shock is so overwhelmingly _strong_ that he staggers, his legs losing all feeling as he reels backwards, away from where Yamaguchi’s fingers are buried in blond hair – hair that should be _his,_ as the brunette leans down instead of up, like he should. Masahiko hums happily against Yamaguchi’s mouth as he sneaks his arms around his lover’s back and waist even tighter.

No matter how much the view cuts into his soul, Kei can’t seem to tear his gaze away from the duo as he takes another staggering step backwards. In a short moment of disassociation from the present horror he’s facing, Kei’s mind flits to Rin, who is probably the only person who’d come close to feeling as distraught as Kei is right now.

It feels like he’s been standing close to that corner of the corridor, staring at them paralyzed, for ages – even though it can’t have been more than a couple of seconds at most. _He has to leave._ Yamaguchi chooses this exact moment to turn his head a little more left, and Kei doesn’t see what they’re doing exactly, but the way the brunette straight up _moans_ makes him want to throw up. He shuffles backwards, taking faster steps as he numbly tries to get away from the sounds of open-mouthed kissing as quickly as possible.

It’s only when his heel catches on the edge of the staircase that he realizes the mistake he’s made.

For one silent second, his body feels weightless.

_‘Oh.’_

And then he falls.

His right hand flies up to shield the back of his head as his left arm flails through the air, hopelessly looking for a piece of wood or a handle to grab on to. Kei braces for impact, but his body sinks right through the wood as it crashes down, surrounding him with darkness as he falls, falls, falls…

*

Kei shoots upright, the covers of his bedding restricting his legs in a tight cocoon as his arms still wave wildly to stop him from falling through the stairs, which have vanished along with his dream.

There's a crash, and Tsukishima winces as he looks at the skin where his flailing right arm hit his alarm clock off its stand and onto the floor; its red flickering lights projecting ’05:24’ onto the ceiling.

He takes a second look at where the clock is still wobbling a little from the speed of its fall, back on the _right_ side of his bed, where his clock always stands. Light is just starting to creep through the gap between the curtains, painting a thin white-golden line on his walls. He reaches for his cellphone in a hurry, pressing on the home button several times in quick succession as he waits for the screen to flicker to life.

The date is blurry but unmistakable, even without his glasses. It’s early in the morning of the day after the festival. He’s back. He’s _really_ _back_ this time. Tsukishima does a last wild test and tries to create a tiny Dino figurine on his covers, heaving a sigh of relief as his attempt doesn’t come to fruition.

Just like that – with the realization that everything is back to how it’s supposed to be, Tsukishima’s feelings crash back into him with the weight and speed of a freight train, crushing his lungs and causing air to fly out in tiny gasps as he covers his face with his hands and starts to cry.

It’s hard to tell if he’s crying from relief because he’s awake, from pain because of his crushed heart, from _more_ relief because it was all still a part of his dream or a little bit of all of those things combined. When the crying finally stops, Tsukishima’s throat feels raw, but his heart feels light.

It was just a dream – nothing more.

Kei coughs to clear his throat while he moves to free his legs from their fabric prison. It was a very long and shitty dream – but still just that; a figment of his imagination. And no matter how horrible it might have been – or maybe just _because_ of how horrible it was, he feels none of the indecision that plagued him in the past.

Yamaguchi is the best thing he has in this life. And he’ll make sure that the other boy knows it, too. He won’t lose his chance to tell him how he feels a second time – not thanks to his own behaviour nor anyone else’s. He’ll sweep him off his feet. Tomorrow.

Yes, tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey hey!   
> Tsukki's (mostly) self-inflicted torturesession is finally over. I don't like seeing him suffer, but I truly believe that Tsukki (how I wrote him in this fic) needed to go through the things he did to come out a different guy on the other end. And definitely to change at the rate he did in this story. It's reallly hard to change your own view on things you've believed in for years, and I carry a lot of respect for people who try to better themselves like this.
> 
> Random note: I meant for the moment when Kei falls through the stairs in his dream, to be a mirror to the first chapter, where Yamaguchi talked about the trust fall excercises.
> 
> I'm extremely curious how you felt while reading this chapter - please let me know in the comments! ^^  
> I wish you all an amazing day! :D


	7. Crossing a line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _There must be_ something _Kei can do, right? Something that isn’t as much Shonen ai-ish as every other plan he’s come up with so far. He can hardly just run up to Tadashi and hug him like that's a thing he'd normally do? Maybe he should start with something small? Something…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! :) The last chapter of my third fanfic! ^^  
>  I have enjoyed the comments I got on this story a lot and can't wait to read how you all feel about the ending and the fic in general! ^^
> 
> \- You'll find some wonderful fanart of this chapter in the end notes!! :D
> 
> There's one last comment I wanted to make, for the people who were surprised that Kenma didn't show up in this series. I made that decision based on three reasons:  
>  1\. I didn't feel like Kenma had a specific thing to teach Tsukki that was a better fit for his character as a mentor than eg. Akaashi  
>  2\. I personally feel like Kenma would feel uncomfortable to talk to Tsukki the way Kei would need him to - to get in his face and be as stubborn as the others, just to talk about /feelings/, of all things  
>  3\. My third and main reason; he and Tsukki have (at least to my knowledge) no real connection. Tsukishima has trained a lot with the other three senpais whom I used in this fic, but he's never talked to Kenma as much as he did those three.  
>  I love Kenma a lot, and I wanted him to exist in this world, that's why I made the others talk about him and reveal Kenma's power. But he wasn't a clear merit to the narrative and would have distracted from the story I wanted to tell, so I let him stay in his little nest, waiting for his idiots (and Akaashi) to return.
> 
> The song I used for this last chapter really spoke to me. I adore the message and strength of the love that's clear in the text, from the standpoint of someone who is hurting: [’World's on fire’ by Mike Shinoda](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VnyhYJui7g). 
> 
> **_"I can't get a break, it's too much to take_ **  
>  **_But closing my eyes I know:_ **
> 
> **_When the world's on fire, all I need is you_ **  
>  **_I don't always think to say it, but it's true_ **  
>  **_When I just wanna disappear,_ **  
>  **_You're the one who keeps me here_ **  
>  **_The world's on fire, all I need is you"_ **

The next morning comes and goes – everything so incredibly _normal_ that it hurts. Kei can’t remember ever being this happy in his life. He even _smiles_ more than smirks at Kageyama during morning practice, who gets startled by this new behaviour so much that he promptly hits the ball he was setting straight into Hinata’s face.

Every tired cell in Kei’s body had been refilled with energy that morning when Yamaguchi greeted him with a smile and a happy “Hey Tsukki!”. It’s like a warm blanket had wrapped around him at those words – following Tsukishima wherever he goes and making it hard to keep his expression as neutral as always. Parts of the dream he had last night are (thankfully) already fading. But one thing remains; the desire to make Yamaguchi realize just how much he means to Tsukishima, even if Tadashi won’t accept the more romantic sentiment behind it.

Walking around the Karasuno team and following lessons does make it more clear how much the last month (well… ‘night’, theoretically) differs from real life. Tsukishima’s brain is having some difficulty getting used to the old patterns it used to follow; spotting tiny differences everywhere that his brain overlooked or changed in his dreamworld. No matter how well developed his attention to detail may be, there are always things you forget. It seems like his month in imaginary hell had left a stronger mark than he realized, even though details keep slipping away before he can recall them. Tsukishima keeps being surprised by the smallest things, like the fact that Yamaguchi and his desks are placed closer together than he remembers, or how warm his teammates smile at him.

No matter how strong his conviction, even after this day of peace the dread of confessing to Yamaguchi is as great as ever. He’s allowed himself a single day to bask in his proximity to Yamaguchi before making his move. There must be _something_ Kei can do, right? Something that isn’t as much Shonen ai-ish as every other plan he’s come up with so far. He can hardly just run up to Tadashi and hug him like that's a thing he'd normally do? Maybe he should start with something small? Something…

A noise to his left makes him turn, but it turns out to just be Kageyama and Hinata, who are currently looking like they’re trying to push the other one back – fingers intertwined and arms flexing as they bow forward and try to push the other boy into the snow. Tsukishima doesn’t think they’re being subtle at all. Why can’t those two just hold hands like normal people? His gaze strays to look behind the freak duo’s weird mating dance, where Yamaguchi and Yachi are chatting quietly. Yachi’s timidness has faded more and more the longer she’s been around the Karasuno team. Tsukishima can’t hear what she is currently talking about, but her grin carries a very Tanaka-esque vibe as Yamaguchi throws his head back and laughs at her comment. Tadashi has forgotten his hat again, and Tsukishima’s fingers twitch with the need to cover the red tips of Yamaguchi’s ears where they peek out from between the dark strands of his hair.

A crash and consecutive curse make him look at the idiots again, where Kageyama has won their battle and is now grinning down in triumph at a red-faced Hinata, who’s covered in snow and scowling because of his loss, before bowing down to help him back up again.

Hinata clearly hasn’t forgotten about their argument. It’s clear in the way he acts around Tsukishima – his movements just a little more stilted and his comments more stiff than they usually are. But it’s not like his fellow middle blocker has it in himself to be angry for too long, so Kei isn’t really worried about it. It does cause him to think about their ‘nickname debate’ again. What if he _did_ give Yamaguchi a nickname? Would that help? Tsukishima’s face cringes before he can do more than quickly consider the idea. He still stands firmly behind the idea that he has better taste than that. It just… feels so childish. Not like him at all… But still – it wasn’t a bad idea in itself. Something incredibly small that would still show Tadashi that he’s important. Something personal…

“Let’s go guys!”

“See ya next week, Yachi-chan!”

“Stop yelling in my ear, dumbass!”

“Agh! Don’t be mean, Bakayama! And don’t push me!”

This was his chance. While the other two boys start pushing each other again, Tsukishima swerves around their flailing arms and approaches Yamaguchi, who is still waving Yachi goodbye. Kei’s heart is beating in his throat, but this won’t be _too_ weird, will it? He shouldn’t be bothered about it. The words thunder in his head. _‘This is normal. This is normal. Nobody will notice. This is normal.’_

“Euhm... Le-”

“Let’s go, Yama!”

The prepared words leave him in a rush at Hinata’s bright voice behind him, only to get stuck into his throat when Yamaguchi turns and smiles up at him before looking over Tsukishima’s shoulder to answer Hinata. “’kay.”

If he’s willing to make a fool of himself, he can do it just as well when Yamaguchi is staring him in the face. So he tries again, thanking the gods that nobody heard his voice crack during his first attempt.

_‘THIS IS NORMAL!’_

“Let’s go, Tadashi.”

In the end, saying it like this may have been for the best, Tsukishima thinks, as he watches Yamaguchi blanch and then start to blush in rapid succession – the speed of his blinking increasing in time with the reddening of his cheekbones.

“Sure, Tsukki.” Tadashi’s tone is as soft as the smile he’s directing to the bush next to them. Yamaguchi doesn’t mention how strange it is for Tsukishima to use his first name. Nor does he point out that he told Hinata that he was ready to leave only about 3 seconds ago, which made Tsukishima’s comment unnecessary at best.

He doesn’t say anything at all, actually, and Tsukishima is thankful for it because his skin is so hot it feels like it’s going to melt off already, and he doesn’t know if he can handle any more of this. _‘This is normal, this is normal, this-’_

He nearly crashes into Hinata as he turns, which would be less of a problem for him compared to the other boy, in all honesty. One look down makes him realize that his earlier comment hadn’t been as quiet as he’d hoped. The lack of screeching had given him the false sense of security that Hinata had been too busy with Kageyama to pay attention to the conversation behind him, but the way he’s being stared at right now refute his hopes. Hinata is gazing up at him with that weird concentrated look that he usually saves for the court. And then, as if Kei is passing some sort of weird ritual, he nods at him appraisingly before turning around and leading their little group to the school gates.

At least Kageyama is clueless about the whole ordeal, Tsukishima thinks gratefully, allowing himself to fall back a little so he doesn’t go deaf from the volume of their shouting. It takes only a second for Yamaguchi to fall in step next to him.

All in all, Tsukishima is quite content with himself. Their group splits up a couple of minutes later, after talking for a while at the farewell point. And then the loudmouths leave, and it’s just the two of them left.

There are a couple of melting snowflakes that got stuck in Yamaguchi’s hair, but even those can’t tame the way his cowlick jumps up. Tadashi lifts his face from the warm safety of his scarf the tiniest bit to grin up at Kei, who must look like a total creep – simply staring down at his friend, before nodding his head to the path they need to take to make the rest of the journey home. But despite Tadashi’s movement pointing to the fact that he wants to leave the steady flow of snowflakes drifting down at them, where they’re standing outside of the park, he doesn’t look in any hurry to leave. He just… stands there. Staring up at Tsukishima, who can’t seem to turn his head away, even though his panicked brain keeps yelling at him louder and louder to do just that.

Eventually, he saves his dignity by taking off his glasses to clean them, ridding the glass of the drops that were sticking to the surface and obscuring his sight. He can see Tadashi huff at his reaction, his blurry form shaking a little as he does so, but without his glasses it’s hard to tell whether he's smiling or disappointed. Kei does catch the way Yamaguchi’s red scarf slides off his shoulder because of the movement – the red wool clearly visible, even in his current half-blindness.

Yamaguchi seems to have noticed it too, and Tsukishima quickly shoves his glasses back on the bridge of his nose – sticking out his hand to halt Yamaguchi, whose arm was already making a twitchy movement to grab the end of the fabric. Tadashi stands completely still – as frozen as the world around them as Tsukishima steps closer to fix placing his scarf back the way it was before. His eyes grow a little bigger as he watches Tsukishima work, but he doesn’t do anything to stop him, even if Kei’s icy fingers elicit goosebumps when he accidentally brushes the skin of Tadashi’s neck. Tsukishima, at the moment, feels like he’s going to die.

Well, maybe fainting is more realistic than sudden death. It feels as if he’s staring down at himself from a huge distance, utterly surprised by his own gall as he watches himself step closer to Yamaguchi and drape the red wool safely back across his throat and shoulder.

 _‘he can’t_ possibly _expect_ more _from me right now, right?’_

Tadashi can’t _not_ notice everything that has just happened. To others, Tsukishima’s actions probably don’t seem all that special, but doing something to overwhelm Tadashi would only ruin his end goal. This should be enough.

For today at least.

*

The walk back home is even more quiet after that – every inch of Tsukishima’s skin buzzing as he tries to hold back from grabbing Yamaguchi’s face where the other boy has it turned up towards the sky, and kiss him senseless.

They’re walking closer to each other than they normally do, and Tsukishima’s brain keeps tripping over itself as he tries to decipher whether Yamaguchi realizes that he keeps drifting to Tsukishima’s side, or if he does it unknowingly.

They’re only 4 minutes away from Yamaguchi’s house when Tsukishima does something truly reckless. He wasn’t even planning on it, but when Tadashi’s knuckles brush against his for the fifth time during the trip home, something cracks inside him, and Tsukishima gives up on holding back. He grabs his friend's hand almost violently, weaving their fingers together while concentrating on not squashing the other boy's hands because of his nerves.

Yamaguchi doesn’t react verbally. He simply turns his head to stare at the houses they're passing while his thumb rubs across the back of Kei's hand. Tadashi probably thinks that Tsukishima won't see his soft smile or red cheeks this way, but he does. Of course he does. And the sight makes something unclench in his chest that Tsukishima didn't even know was cramped in the first place. And it's... He feels...

Yamaguchi's hands are big, like his. They’re warm and strong – not at all soft, frail and trembling like in the movies. Tadashi's grip is as sure as his trust in Tsukishima, and Kei couldn't have been happier that he is allowed this moment. That Yamaguchi isn’t pushing him away, or pulling back his hand – even if they have very obviously crossed a line they never have before. The callouses on the inside of Yamaguchi's palms make the whole thing feel even more real.

Tsukishima feels an awful lot like a robot during the next couple of minutes of their walk. His arm hangs stiff by his side, fingers still linked with Yamaguchi’s. It’s all he can not to squeeze Yamaguchi’s hand into mush, but Tadashi must have felt _something,_ because every once in a while he gives a comforting squeeze back, his arm relaxed as it bumps more and more often against Tsukishima’s. They’re nearly walking shoulder to shoulder by now. Knowing Yamaguchi, he probably thinks that ‘Tsukki wants to be cute’ (and is failing), or ‘wants to offer an encouraging gesture’. Tsukishima decides to roll with it.

It is absolutely _amazing_. And it continues to feel that way until they reach the fence surrounding Yamaguchi’s garden. By this point, it feels like they’ve been holding hands for 4 years and yet it feels like 4 seconds at the same time. Disregarding the nerves Tsukishima had felt while holding Yamaguchi’s hand, the action itself had felt natural – like they’d done it a thousand times before and will do it a thousand times more. That natural and comforting atmosphere evaporates as Yamaguchi's fingers slip from Kei’s hold to push open the gate.

Everything stills as Yamaguchi turns to look Tsukishima right in the eye. His hand touches Kei’s left elbow, and slides up across the fabric – halting when he’s holding Tsukishima’s shoulder and pressing down a little.

Tsukishima stands frigid. He stares… and doubts. He knows what he wants. They _both_ want, he thinks, considering the way Tadashi is looking up at him and letting his gaze flit to Tsukishima’s lips every so often. But he also knows what Tadashi is thinking when his gaze shifts down to stare at the crosswalk next to them, nibbling his bottom lip between his teeth.

They _want._ But they’re not ready. Neither one of them have even truly said… things. That probably should come first. No matter how much Tsukishima aches to move forward, he is _not_ going to mess this up now that Yamaguchi has more or less accepted his advances. He won’t risk it for something as stupid as impatience. And they have time anyway… Loads of time. There is no one Kei would halt his life for _but_ Yamaguchi. If Tadashi asked, he’d stop the world from turning. They have time. And even if that weren’t the case – with everything that’s happened in the last hour, Kei has experienced high enough stress levels to risk being hospitalized with cardiac arrest. God… Akiteru would never let him live it down if that were to happen.

Despite realizing all this, Tsukishima still flinches a little as Yamaguchi’s hand drops from his shoulder – his chest automatically bowing forward to restore the contact with the person he wants to hold close the most. Tadashi must have noticed, because the wistfulness of his smile turns somewhat cheeky as he steps back to walk to his front door – leaving Kei behind near the gate.

Kei’s dream has taught him some things. To stop running away from his own feelings, if he doesn’t want to end up with only regret as his company. That it’s okay to trust in people, and have them put their trust in you. And maybe most importantly; right after the fact that he should treasure Yamaguchi in whatever way the brunette will let him, is that the truth of the matter is that he shouldn’t expect Yamaguchi to read his mind. Some things need to be said out loud, or shown some other way, instead of him just expecting Yamaguchi to interpret his thoughts and realize his feelings already.

And maybe all of those things are true. Maybe Yamaguchi can’t read his mind. But the way his (hopefully) now boyfriend turns to wave at him as he reaches the front door – all dimples in blushing cheeks as he clumsily blows Tsukishima a quick kiss before running inside and slamming the door shut, points to the fact that Kei got his message across anyway. When it’s important – when it truly counts, Tadashi still knows exactly what Tsukishima is feeling.

But why wouldn’t he? He is the one holding Kei’s heart in his hands after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: Check out this AMAZING artwork from [Choki](https://twitter.com/jollychoki/status/1320009963796791298)!!! I love it so fcking much, I still haven't gotten over it 😭😍😭
> 
> Edit 2: I'm also extremely happy with the lovely commission by the wonderful @katsuleri! Check it out on their Twitter [here](https://twitter.com/katsuleri/status/1352413696073592833)!!!! Katsu was an absolute joy to work with - I'm fully in love with their artwork! ^^ 😍😍
> 
> This was it! :D I hoped my story could bring you whatever you expected to achieve from reading this! ^^
> 
> For the few people who might be disappointed about the no-kiss-ending; I felt like Tsukki still has a way to go. For 'day-time Yamaguchi', this change of heart comes out of nowhere (even though Tsukki's feelings are real and had been lingering in the background for a long time), so I want to give them time to adjust and get used to their newfound relationship first. Don't worry though; they'll make sure to catch up on those lost kisses in the near future. ;)
> 
> For the curious readers who want to know what Tadashi exactly wrote on his wish card for the Mizuki tree:
> 
> * * *
> 
>  **Please make sure to wait until the ink is dry before burning this note.**
> 
> **Recipient:**  
>  Tsukishima Kei
> 
>  **Wish (be warned that one should think of the recipient with the level of emotion they hold for them while writing down your wish, for the biggest chance on the desired effect):**  
>  I'll write this down now because I don't know how you'd react if I told you this to your face. I don't even need you to like me back, Tsukki. That's more than I would ask for. Just don't take me for granted.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who read this story! :) Please subscribe to my account if you liked my writing - that way you're sure to be notified when I post my future works. I'm a bit of a slow writer, but I have two other works posted already - so please feel free to check those out as well! :D  
> I wish you all an amazing week!

**Author's Note:**

> Talk Tendou to me! – You can do so in the comments or on [my main Twitter](https://twitter.com/AsimiShadowborn), [my art Twitter](https://twitter.com/Adrawrables), [my main Tumblr](http://riseoftheplanetofthesnapes.tumblr.com/) & [my art Tumblr](https://adrawrables.tumblr.com/)   
> (Other subjects are welcome too, obviously :p)


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